10 Asshole Kids We All Know


I’ve written about asshole kids before. I know it seems harsh but, look, kids are inherently assholey. With all their immediate gratification and constant demands, it’s just in their nature. But some kids are more assholey than others and, if you’re like me and have spent time around them volunteering in the classroom and such, you might notice a sort of pattern. You might even have one living under your roof. I know I do. But, hey, kids can change. They’re not doomed to be assholes for life. But in the meantime, let’s laugh at them. Otherwise, we’d cry. Below are 10 kinds of asshole kids:

1. The Animal-Torturer 

I’m not talking about future Jeffrey Dahmers in that you’re going to find strangled cats in these kids’ closets, but they’re the assholes trying to ride your pugs at the party. Every. Damn. Time.

2. The Defiant Dick

We have one of these in our home. Despite a parent right in his face, he will do exactly the opposite of what you tell him, and then you have no idea what to do.

“Put down the donut and eat some eggs.”

“I said, put down that donut and eat your eggs.”

“Put down the donut.”

“Did you hear me?”

*Stares blankly as he continues to eat the donut


3. The Inconvenient Tattler

You’ve just sat down and taken your first sip of wine, ready to get into some good storytelling with your girlfriend, when this a-hole comes up to tell you that So-and-So ate Play-Doh. Newsflash: No one’s ever died from eating Play-Doh. Now beat it.

4. The Future A-Rods

This is the kid on your kid’s baseball team who, at six years old, is geared up in his athletic sunglasses, batting gloves, top-of-the-line cleats, and weenie cup. He gets mad if you get close to him during his practice swings while on deck, and shakes his head at the kids who strike out. Hey, kid, tone it down a few thousand notches. Just wait until you start your steroid regimen and your testicles begin to resemble raisins. These kids also usually have the asshole parents who act like this is the big leagues. Chill the fuck out, k?

5. The Kitchen Shadow

This is the kid who’s way too into what you’re serving and how he can get some more of it. He’s not afraid to turn down one snack when he sees your secret stash of Little Debbies in the back of the pantry. Asshole.

6. Mean-Girl-In-The-Making 

I’ve seen a few of these girls, and hear their mean comments about other kids’ hair, head shapes, and whatnot. They’re also the ones who get in a lot of their potshots when they think no one else is listening or watching. I’m not ashamed to say that, at 42 years old, I have snuck in a few “your mom” jokes when I KNOW no one else is listening.

7. The No-Filter

Unless your dad looks like David Beckham, I don’t want to know that he wears bedazzled tighty whities or that your mom eats cakes in her sleep after taking too many Ambiens. These kids shake you to your core, as you become paranoid that your own children are telling other parents shit like this about you. Shivers.

8. The “Who, Me?” 

I grew up with one of these. They usually have an explosive sibling (me) who reacts by acting out (beating the tar out of siblings) and the parents only ever catch this … not the 2 hours of relentless teasing that came before this. They’re also the assholes who pretend they’re done with their candy bar, and then they pull out their last bite while on a long road trip so as to torture you and make you explode. Oh, wait, sorry — that one got a little personal.

9. The No Respect Asshole

Rodney Dangerfield isn’t the only one who gets annoyed by the lack of respect. If you talk to me like I’m your peer, I will shoot you with the look of a thousand red-hot daggers that have been blazing in the fire for a decade. I am a mom, after all. RESPECK.

10. The Inquisitor

Remember that kid from Jerry Maguire? “The human head weighs 8 pounds” kid? He was super cute. Hey, asshole – guess what? You’re not. Now shut it.

Did I miss one? Let me know.


Facebook Twitter Email


  1. shannon5757 says:

    Yup, pretty much nailed it again, Marn! I would like to make a suggestion

    11. The Eddie-Haskel-Bad-Influencer

    This kid is cute as can be to all forms of authority, but the second you’re out of sight, he can persuade your otherwise pretty damn well behaved child into a potty-mouthed troublemaker. Don’t bother calling him on it, because he will lie to your face and go to his grave denying any involvement whatsoever. Oh, and, of course, this will be your child’s “best friend”, which means you won’t be rid of this little asshole anytime soon.

Speak Your Mind