10 Dickheads I See at the Gym a Lawt — Just Stop It

rottenecard exercising joke

An unholy union

I’ve been a workout freak since college — some might even say a bit obsessive (zip it, Mom). I do have to say, though, that I have lost a bit of my workout mojo after having my second. I still work out every day — that has stuck with me. But I’ve lost the edge. The eye of the tiger. The get-up-and-go. So many times when I’m at the gym, I’m grumpy — very, very grumpy. And they say that LA is Hardbody Central — the Land of the Superficial, but I beg to differ with you. North County San Diego is filled with the hardest bodies, most gingundous titties, and the tightest tummies, which makes me even grumpier when I’m there. I heard somewhere that we have the highest amount of boob jobs per capita, but I can’t be bothered to look it up. You get the picture. Big. Fake. Funbags. So allow me to shed a little light on the top ten asshats that make me want to go apeshit when I’m at the gym. Two words — just stop.

10. Excuse me sir, I know this is Movember, but that doesn’t mean you should don that nature sweater here in the gym. The only person who can pull off a wife beater are actual wife beaters. Oh, and DJ Pauly D, but that’s because he’s as hairless as Dr. Evil’s pussy (cat — come on). Put those hairy nipples away. Just stop.

9. Note to the twenty something “twinzies” — stop calling each other to coordinate your gym outfits. Matching neon socks are still fucking neon socks. God gave you two different personalities so use them. You’re both idiots, so just stop.

8. To the cougar who had 24 Hour Fitness call a team of firefighters on premise due to shortness of breath — I saw the hint of a smile on your face as you laid there with your fake ta tas sticking unnaturally straight up in the air. I’m on to you. Just stop.

7. Excuse me, grunting man (we all know this guy, right?) — at least put something over 50 pounds on that bar before you start moaning like you’re shitting out a baby elephant. Just stop.

6. To the Mirror Man — we see you giving yourself the best Blue Steel in the mirror as you admire your roided out muscles, but what you can’t see is your “back-ne.” Just stop the juice. Just stop.

5. To the ladies in the locker room who shun clothes as they blow-dry their hair (and pubes — I really saw this once). And same goes for the guys and their low hanging twigs and berries in the men’s locker room. Put some clothes on. Just stop it.

4. To the woman with the absolutely perfect body I see every time I’m at the gym. You’re already there. Go home and have a twinkie. Just stop.

3. Hey you — the guy wearing the bike shorts — not in spin class — who hits on everything that walks. Size does matter, so stop with the bike shorts. Just stop.

2. To the skinny/fat lady I see at the gym reading her Us Weekly on the treadmill. Your doughy yet slightly thin body shows me you have no interest in actually working out, but rather use this time to put your kids in the daycare center while you catch up on whether Robert Pattinson took Kristen back. Quit taking up space. Some of us really want to work off our muffin tops and front-butts. Just stop it.

1. You — yeah, you in the bun shorts. Who do you think you are — Misty May Treanor? Because from over here you look like an Olympic-sized douche.

Come on people, let’s be reasonable. All you asshats — just stop.

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  1. So funny!! What about the farter?

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