10 Highlights From Last Night’s “Bachelor in Paradise” Premiere

The Bachelor in Paradise was as magical a train wreck as we all expected. Fake knockers, faux tans, and wife beaters led the way as folks coupled up faster than you could say, “STD”. One only has to hope that the salt water in Mexico kills sperm on contact. Otherwise, people will be getting knocked up by ocean proxy, and we do not need any little Chris Bukowskis running around. While the whole thing was positively captivating, I’ve shared 10 of my favorite highlights below:

Photo credit: Wetpaint Entertainment via Francisco Roman/ABC Television Group

Photo credit: Wetpaint Entertainment via Francisco Roman/ABC Television Group

1. I wasn’t sure about Marcus during Andy’s season. I thought he was normal but then he stripped down to his skivvies for her for no good reason during the hometown date. So I’ve been teetering, but I teeter no more. His little ocean romp in his minuscule tighty orangies solidified his status as a bonafide douche.

2. Michelle Money hit the nail on the head about the cray cray that is Michelle K. She’s not only mentally unstable but she seems like the type to skin you alive and wear your epidermis for fun. Next week is going to be awesome, as Reality Steven already broke the news that some (obviously desperate) sound guy slept with her and, when he was caught, he jumped over the balcony and broke both his feet. You really lowered the boom, sound guy. You let your freak flag fly, loud and proud. I can only hope you are now in the witness protection program.

3. Lacy (apparently not her stripper name) came determined to not go unnoticed as she had during Juan Pablo’s season. Enter 2 reasons she made sure to never go unnoticed again: LEFT BREAST AND RIGHT BREAST. POW POW! At least the cast knows they’ll have automatic flotation devices should a tsunami hit.

4. Ashley has apparently lost her filter and her ever loving mind. She got a case of verbal diarrhea – nay, verbal ebola – like has never been seen before on this show, spouting off how she’s the best looking, most normal mate for Graham and everyone else is gum on the bottom of her shoe. Mmmkay. The best was when she said she knew she had it locked up but others had to do some “last minute conversating.” They don’t test for brains on this show.

5. Most awkward question of the night goes to Marcus, who asked one-armed Sarah if she knew how to swim. Guess he never heard the joke about what you call a girl with one arm when she’s in the water? Eileen.

6. The raccoon cutaway with Clare was brilliant, and whoever edited it deserves a god damned Emmy. Interestingly enough, the raccoon was the least diseased living thing on the property.

7. One of the best quotes of the night goes to Michelle Money, who said she and Graham had formed a “solid relationship” on Bachelor Pad. The only thing solid that was formed on B-Pad was boners … lots and lots of boners.

8. The most insulting comment award of the night goes to Ben (duh), when he was forced to choose between Danielle and Sarah and looked like he’d rather get with the sound guy than with either of them. “This sucks,” he simply said as he handed the rose to Sarah’s good arm. OUCH.

9. Man capris (manpris?) are the new scarves, and they are just as horrible as they sound (particularly in red, as with Ben and Marcus). Unless you are a card carrying member of the Eurotrash Association, stop it. Just stop. Somewhere, the Pantsapreneur was shivering.

10. Lacy proved to be as smart as she looked (read: a fucking moron) when she said she was 80/40 between Marcus and Robert. That’s cute. Now go make one of them a sandwich.



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  1. Aimee says:

    Hysterical. Wish we could ask watch together. You catch things I don’t. So funny.

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