Nick Viall – the man who ruined The Bachelor. Can it be? Can he and his country club accent (Where do you shummer?) ruin the show that has been my guiltiest pleasure since Justin Bieber had a hairless peenie? I hope not but last night I yawned at least 20 times during the season premiere. This is usually the crown jewel of the show, with ABC parading a host of mentally unstable women before us to point and laugh. The mental instability was there (I’m talking to you, Josephine) but, alas, the magic seemed to be missing. That being said, I’ll share 10 of the show’s highlights:
1. How does a grown ass woman not only have but also admit to having a nanny? Did she also bring frozen breast milk from Mummy’s teat? “Serious business woman”, my ass. Corinne is definitely going to be the girl we love to hate. Or just hate.
2. Was anyone else confused by the fact that the girl who slept with Nick at Jade’s wedding seemed proud of the fact that he didn’t remember her? Uh, yeah, that’s usually not a good thing, sweets. Milquetoast sex? I’m your girl! And who told her that she had a fantastic smile? She. Never. Stopped. Smiling. With. All. The. Teeth.
3. The way Nick greeted each woman made me uncomfortable, unapologetically taking in their figures like your creepy uncle who just got out of prison for “tax evasion”. “You look great,” he said to each one, looking like he’d eat them with a fork and knife if that were acceptable TV.
4. Already being referred to as a “giant toolbar” and being told that one of the contestant’s friends thought he was a “huge piece of shit,” this might be the one Bachelor who will leave the show actually feeling worse about himself.
5. How much of Neil Lane’s inner monologue probably includes, “Take part in The Bachelor, they said. It’ll be great for your career, they said.”
6. The out-of-the-limo gimmicks were the most cringe-worthy they’ve ever been, with quirky (read: weird AF) Josephine making Nick share a raw hot dog with her after declaring him a “wiener” in her book. Groan. Parasites, be damned!
7. I’m 100 percent certain that Shark/Dolphin girl Alexis ate an entire pan of “funny brownies” before last night’s show. “I’m swimming in a sea of woman,” she declared in her best Beavis and Butthead voice.
8. The ratio of red dresses to intelligence was an inverse relationship. Seeing that sea of red when Nick walked into the mansion was an obvious nod to the fact that all these women will be on the same menstrual cycle by next month, which should terrify Nick.
9. Does anyone still buy that whole “My friend submitted me for the show” shtick?
10. I thought beard massages were what Ryan Seacrest gives to his girlfriends? Get it? Get it???? Oh, never mind.