10 Lice Moms We All Know

Meredith The Office

Credit: The Office – NBC

Our kids have been back in school for a month or so and, in school math, that’s about 30 days for parasites to throw a party in which they all raise a glass and chime in, “It’s on like mother-friggin’ Donkey Kong.” And once you get lice for the first time you know that there ain’t no party like a lice-throwin’ party. We all know that feeling of the lice letter in our hands and the subsequent and immediate itch on our scalps, whether real or imaginary. Another thing you begin to realize is that your fellow moms all have very different and yet very distinct reactions. There are 10 moms we all know when it comes to getting lice.

Been There Brenda

Not only did Brenda’s missionary parents raise her in a Mexican orphanage where lice were as common as the sniffles, but Brenda also has eight kids. And although Brenda can be a bit of a one-upper when it comes to medical emergencies, you want Brenda on your side when you feel that first itch. Brenda will talk you off the ledge and lend you her best nit brush as she regales you of how she just got rid of her fifth case of pinworms this year. Just don’t let your kids spend too much time at Brenda’s house, as what comes around goes around.

Patty Presupposer

Oh, Patty. Patty, Patty, Patty. No matter how many times you tell Patty that lice doesn’t discriminate based on cleanliness, Patty will never, ever believe you. “I bet it’s Peter,” she’ll say. “I was volunteering in class and he had—gasp—ear wax the size of my mother-in-law’s enflamed gallbladder.” Patty will believe this right up until her precious (and squeaky clean) angels get lice. Then you’ll see Patty around school in very big sunglasses and she’ll never be able to talk, as she always now has somewhere to be.

 Shelley Shut-In

 “Oh my gosh, Shelley, can you believe that someone in our class already has lice?”

“Shelley? Shelley? She was just here.”

Girl … she gone.

Polly Prevention

An ounce of prevention ain’t worth shit when it comes to these mother*ckers, and now CVS has all her money on tea tree oil and all the things. All she has is a really long receipt. And lice. She’s got lice.

Chelsea Charter School

 For as long as you’ve known Chelsea, she’s talked about the failures of the public school system and, in her mind, lice is just another pothole she’s got to clumsily drive over in the parking lot of public school life. She’s always talking about how she’s taking her kids to a charter school but, year after year, she shows up to complain.

Holly Herd Immunity

Holly just wants to get it over with. She thinks that getting lice is like chicken pox, so she wants her kids around the lice carrier so she can move on with her life. Oh, Holly.

Savage Sandy

Sandy’s got an “Ain’t nobody got time for this shit” bumper sticker on her car. And when it comes to lice, she truly means it. She’s not going to bother with the gradual haircuts. At the first sign of a lice letter, Sandy’s kids come to school looking like GI Jane.

Own It Ophelia

Ophelia’s kids have gotten lice nearly as many times as Britney’s kids, and she’s teetering on a breakdown, too. She used to hide from everyone but now you’ll find her clutching the lice letter in the parking lot, either yelling “Yeah, we’ve got ‘em again, assholes” or “It wasn’t us this time, bitches!” Her life has officially been divided into BL and AL (before lice and after lice).

Daphne Denial

“Daph, I think you…”

“Shhhhh…”

“Daphne, it’s just, well, you’re itching. Like, really going at it.”

“It’s dry skin, that’s all.”

“Daph, I can see the lice. Your kids are itching, too.”

“Hold me.”

“Uh, no.”

Britney Breakdown

Poor Britney. If she didn’t have bad luck, she wouldn’t have luck at all. She’s read everything there is to know about these tiny terrorists. She’s released bug bombs in her home. She’s raided Polly Prevention’s supply closet. She’s THIS close to home schooling. She’s cut all her kids hair down to a military cut (girls included) but all the lice have done is to yell, “Short hair, don’t care.” Her kids get it. Every. Single. Time. You’ll catch glimpses of her shakily smoking a cigarette outside her local delousing center.

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