Hey, internet people. We’re all getting really fucking boring online these days, am-i-rite? I’m including myself in there, so don’t go getting your grunders asunder. It’s like we’re a bunch of robots interacting using the same Facebook.1 language or something. I’m up for an internet cleanse as much as the next girl because — you know — I can quit whenever I want to. I just don’t want to. So entertain me, please. As 2013 comes to a close, I think we can all agree there should be a moratorium on some of the things we see online. Every. Gahdamn. Day. Let me know what you think of this list of…
10 ONLINE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE BANISHED IN 2014:
1. Please stop posting photos of your feet in the sand. Not only does it make us working schmucks sitting at our computers really fucking jealous but — let’s face it — most of us have hammertime going on down there. So unless you’re a foot model and/or you’re inviting the whole world on your next vacay a la Oprah — stop. Just STOP.
2. Passive-aggressive statements that no one understands or fucking cares about. Example: “I just love it when [insert group of people that you don’t know] talk behind your back but then try to pretend like nothing happened.” Sarcasm fail. Passive-aggressive fail. Everything fail. STOP NOW.
3. Bathroom selfies. Selfies are really fucking hard to pull off without looking like a douche. Pope selfie? Now that’s killer. Bathroom selfie? Disgusting and weird and totally unnecessary. In fact, let’s just agree to keep our phones in our pockets and purses in bathrooms altogether, k, because it’s really weird when I hear you talking on the phone while engaging in your AM BM, ya know? Yeah, I saw you bring the paper in there, too.
4. Ending words with “tard.” Because that’s just really, really rude and insensitive.
5. Food photos. This has been done. And done. And done. And we’ve talked about it, k? And yet they still cover half my Facebook feed. If you’ve got a food blog or you’re Paula “The ‘N’ word is just fine” Deen, then go right ahead. Another exception? If you see Jesus’s face in your bologna sandwich, you go ahead and post that photo. Because shit just got real interesting.
6. Starting your tweet or status update with something that negates the rest of your statement. “I hate to say it, but…”
7. Please stop using the “feeling…” options that Facebook gives us. If you can’t come up with a better way to say that you’re “feeling excited” about something, then you need to go punch yourself in the face. HARD.
8. This is a timely one, folks, but it’s important. I no longer laugh when I see your Elf on the Shelf trying to bone your dog. Or your cat. Or your ottoman. Let’s 86 the Elf on the Shelf sexual positions because the idea of a giant fat man with a red face and matching red clothes sliding down my chimney to give my kids presents is already icky enough.
9. Unless you have been told that someone is a Candy Crush enthusiast, please stop sending your requests post haste. Or expect someone to candy crush your larynx. Got it? Good.
10. Can we all agree to retire “amazeballs”? Hey, it had a good run. I had a lot of fun with it. But it’s time to bid adieu to it…like forever. Just saying. Oh yeah, and let’s stop saying “Just saying.”