10 Parenting Mistakes We’ve All Made

 

ugly cry gif New Girl

Parenting is daunting. The most daunting thing about it is that you can prepare like you’re taking the freaking medical board exams and life will still throw you shit at you like that monkey with the weird ass at the zoo. YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES. We all do. My mom always talks about the time she forgot to strap my brother in on the changing table. He rolled off onto the floor and, instead of picking him up, she ran out into the street yelling, “I just killed my baby.” It wasn’t one of her finest moments but, thankfully, my brother is just fine. The great thing is we’re all in this together, and that even means we’re likely to make the same gaffes. Here are 10 mistakes we’ve all (likely) made as parents:

  1. Your kid has had a “poonami” in public. If you’re like me, you probably read the label on the diapers and thought only to buy the diapers in your baby’s weight range. Here’s the thing—that doesn’t mean it’s going to hold his Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-sized dino-poops. If you’ve been out in public and your baby has had dukie all the way up his or her back, relax. You’re in good company.
  2. Your kid has rolled off the couch (boppy, changing table, counter, insert your own word here). There, there—even helicopter moms have likely had this happen. As T-Swizzle says, just “shake it off.”
  3. You’ve driven a good five to ten miles before realizing your kid is not buckled in. You realize this because he is trying to blindfold you with his hands while maniacally laughing.
  4. You’ve overpaid the babysitter by about a bajillion dollars because your checkbook looked like it was written in Mandarin Chinese due to that last shot of Fireball. The next time you see her, you’ll lock eyes in a knowing way and move on.
  5. You’ve forgotten a diaper and had to fashion something out of a towel and two paper clips. Thank God for those MacGyver re-runs.
  6. You befriended “that friend”. She seemed harmless enough but her kid makes you want to bang your head into a wall of cacti and she thinks he’s positively adorbs.
  7. You’ve had a school pickup SNAFU. It seems impossible to forget to pick up your kid from school but, then again, it seemed pretty damn crazy that we’d get people to walk on the moon.
  8. You’ve screamed until you thought your own head would spin around and you might start vomiting like something out of The Exorcist because your kid dared to complain about homework … again.
  9. Once you become a parent, you’ve lost your social life. You’ve lost your sex drive. And you’ve lost your damn mind. Oh, and you’ve also lost your kid. Come on, you know you’ve done it at least once. You turned your head for one second and found him riding the ceramic ape in Safari Park like he’s king of the friggin’ free world. Of course, this wasn’t before you screamed your head off like a lunatic and bumped off those around you like you were a pawn in a gahdamn pinball machine.
  10. Now this one is serious, folks. We’ve all said something to our kids in the heat of anger that we never thought we’d say to anyone, let alone our own offspring (see #8). We want so much for them and sometimes that can work against us. Here’s the thing—they’re willing to dole out plenty of unconditional love, so why not give a little bit of that to ourselves? And it’s okay to ask forgiveness from your kids. You can even go all “after school special” on them and make it a teachable moment. Either way, I think you’ll be surprised at how much they’ll appreciate you after you say those two simple words: “I’m sorry.”
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