You, with the stick up her ass — this is a tongue-in-cheek post so deal with it.
We all LOVE our kids BUT (hence the name of this blog) the cold, hard truth of parenthood is that children are, quite often, really fucking annoying. Would we jump in front of a bus for them? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean they don’t make us crazy on a daily basis. I thought I’d share the 10 Things I Hate About My Kids. Feel free to share yours!
1. They’re the worst kind of backseat drivers EVAH! Seriously, you cut off one little person and drop one little “f bomb” and you’re the devil incarnate. Kids — remember one thing above all else: No one likes a tattle tale. Now just sit back and listen to the shitty Katy Perry music you love and zip it.
2. They always want to eat (except at mealtimes). We’ve all seen the memes about mealtimes for mothers. They’re the fucking worst. You’re like a short order cook –– eggs for this guy, chicken nuggets for that guy –– hold the fruit and veggies (of course), extra ketchup. Ketchup is like crack for kids — they’ll smother that shit with reckless abandon. God forbid you run out. Hell hath no fury like a kid who’s been denied his favorite, sugary condiment. In the end, no one eats shit but they’ll ask you for goldfish for the rest of the night — gua-rohn-teed.
3. They always want to drink (seriously, what’s with all the water?). Am I the only one who has kids that ask for water every .08 seconds? Are all children just that dehydrated? I’m thinking of getting them their own camelbacks and, once it’s gone, it’s gone. Only Marco Rubio is thirstier than my kids. If no one ever asks me for water again it’ll be too soon.
4. They’ll hold their johnsons all day to avoid going to the bathroom at home but the second I walk into Target they’ve gotta go. Hitting the farthest point away from a bathroom in Target is like giving them a laxative. A storm’s ‘a brewin’ and it ain’t that nature sounds CD in the music aisle. It’s my kid and he has to go poopy NOW, folks. And what goes on behind closed doors with little kids in a public bathroom is more terrifying than any horror film. You just wish that those Men In Black mind erasers actually exist so you could zap those images right outta your head. It’s like the first time you see your parents doing it. There isn’t enough mind-bleach in the world.
5. They ruin tender moments. Every. Single. Time. You know those moments when you look at them and you picture when they were born and you start to well up and get all schmoopy and you must take them in your arms and kiss them at that moment? It’s the classic bait ‘n’ switch. You lean in — they know what’s coming. You see it in there eyes and then, POW! They smack you right in the kisser. Tender moment gone in the blink of your watery eye. Oh yeah, and that super tender time reading them books before bed? In our house, it usually ends with one of them poking the other right in the eyeball.
6. They’re walking petri dishes. Remember when our kids were babies and we’d eat their sweet smelling toes and nuzzle their baby fat on their necks and legs for hours? Now that my kids are three and five, I’d give anything to have a HazMat suit to handle them at any other time besides the immediately post-bath window. They hand you boogers, dead bugs, and dog turds. Recently, my five year old told me to look at his baby caterpillar. That was his first introduction to maggots. I wouldn’t eat anything they handed to me even if there was a gun to my head. Whatever you can catch from that is a fate far worse than death.
7. They’ll lie and lie all day long but just try to get them to tell a white lie about their age and they’ll throw you under the bus. White lies abound until that moment you try to get them to say they’re 3 and not 4 at Legoland and suddenly they’ve got the conscious of Mother Teresa. Thanks a lot, kid. Thanks a fucking lot.
8. Forget the Facebook privacy laws. Kids are like walking secret-blasters. Preschool teachers love to ask kids what their parents’ favorite drinks are. Well played, teachers. Well played. Yes, that is a gigantic wine goblet he drew with red “mommy juice” in it, thank you very much. Put Mom on blast, kid. G’ahead. And you — yeah, you — the preschool teacher with the syrupy sweet, high-pitched kid voice. I know what you’re doing. STOP IT.
9. They have memories like elephants, and will hold a grudge accordingly. You forget one little birthday. Jeesh! I kid, I kid, but I’m pretty sure my son will be telling the story of how I sent him to school in Crocs on the day of his Jogathon at his wedding. Let it go, sonny boy! They’re observant at all the wrong times, too. They come in while you’re watching a “Mommy/Daddy” show and, in the one second it takes you to pause the damn thing, they’re like, “Was that a zombie eating a vampire? And what was that guy doing to that naked girl in the hot tub?”
10. They’re fucking honest — brutally so. Yellow teeth? A zit at 41 years old? Cold sore? There’s nothing like your kid pointing out everything that is physically wrong with you so, at the end of the day, you’re fairly certain you look like Rocky Dennis from Mask. Sadly, it’s not just me either. That woman we saw in the Target bathroom with the “giant bum” isn’t likely going to forget that zinger anytime soon.
Got any of your own? Do share!