10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s “Bachelor In Paradise” Episode

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Bachelor in Paradise could easily be called People With a Very Loose Grip On Reality Go Spelunking. Although I’m still as drawn to the show as Kim Kardashian is to ass selfies, I feel as though it needs to tread lightly here. As people start to couple up and stick to their commitments, the show risks becoming a little bit boring for us regular folk. Do we really need to see our own ho-hum lives played out on national TV? Monogamy = boring, folks. What I’m really asking is, at some point, couldn’t a giant sinkhole just swallow up Marcus and Lacy for God’s sake? Until then, I’ll go ahead and share 10 absolutely titillating things I learned from last night’s episode:

1. Zach really likes to put his eggs into Clare’s basket and, with what we know about Clare, this has to be a euphemism, right?

2. Conversely, Clare said she’s “all the way into Zach” but we’re guessing it’s the other way around. BOOM! Thanks, folks, I’ll be here all week. Seriously, I will be.

3. Lacy said she and Marcus haven’t told each other they love each other … yet. In Paradise, a week is like a whole year, so we should be impressed.

4. Someone’s got a case of the Kovacs … and it’s ME! I’m so happy my favorite evil genius from seasons past is on here. Ladies, be prepared to drink his favorite shot, not coincidentally called “the panty dropper”.

5. Marcus gently said he was only recently in love with “that person.” Who does he think we are? Slouchy, half-time Bachelor watchers here? We all know you’re talking about Andi and that you just declared your love to her like a hot second ago.

6. Clare has become the voice of reason, so Armageddon is nigh.

7. Cody is still drinking his steroid-infused protein shakes while hanging out in the tanning bed and getting his hair coiffed into the perfect Baby Huey style. So there’s that. He also still loves to refer to himself in the third person. Cody thinks Clare’s hot. Cody wants to give Clare the hot beef injection. Cody likes beef. Hmmm….

8. If you call seeing those around you as hotter than they are “beer goggles” after a few cocktails, what is Michelle Money wearing? Desperation Spectacles? Keep that raccoon away from her before she declares her undying love.

9. When she didn’t think the cameras were rolling, AshLee told Zach she thinks Clare is “cuckoo” and slut shamed her for sleeping with a guy in the ocean. If that isn’t the super deranged pot calling the admittedly crazy kettle black.

10. Despite Michelle’s convoluted admission that she’d hump the nearest fire hydrant (not in so many words, per se), she still turns down the reality show leper, Kalon. The only future for him at this point is to join the cast of Married At First Sight, Season 2.

 

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Comments

  1. shannon5757 says:

    “Clare has become the voice of reason, so Armageddon is nigh.”

    My girlfriend and I were JUST talking about this exact same observation. It’s a sad state of affairs when CLARE is the most grounded person in a room…. just sayin’.

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