10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelor

As per usual, the geniuses at ABC have found a sufficient amount of borderline insane chicks to make the show entertaining despite Ben being a giant piece of milqtoast-y¬†poo poo. I can only hope that ABC asks the real Peter Brady to come on the show so he and Ben can f*ck with the girls on who is the REAL Ben Higgins. Maybe there is no real Ben Higgins! Have you ever seen him and Peter Brady in the room at the same time. Hmmm…

In the meantime, I’ll share 10 things I learned on the oh-so education episode of The Bachelor:

1. Yesterday I saw a real placenta on the internet and it was still better looking than Olivia without makeup.

2. I can’t believe Ben had the nerve to talk to Olivia about his friends dying when she is plagued with cankles. CANKLES, Ben! The struggle is real. And someone blogged about it! She should just throw in the towel now. Oh, yeah, and sorry about your dead friends.

3. Lace started out as the season’s villain and fizzled out as a complete and utter disappointment. Sad.

4. Hey, Amber, your pride called. It’s never coming back.

5. It always kills me when, each season, someone shows up and refers to herself as “Unemployed.” Couldn’t you come up with something creative, like cum smuggler or chode juggler (obscure reference from The League)?

6. ABC reached a new low last night when they had a hot tub put in the middle of B.F.E. for Lauren and Ben’s date. Sadly, this is all I remember from this date because it was such a trip down Snoozery Lane.

7. Did anyone else laugh until tears came out when that one chick tried to tell Olivia all the things the girls were saying about her. I’m taking liberties here but it went something like this:

Olivia: Was it my cankles?

My hair?

My body?

My clothes?

My toes?

Correct answer for $1,000, Alex: What is … her halitosis!

8. After watching the girls play last night, one has to ask if any of those girls had ever even SEEN a soccer ball before.

9. That cat-call Ben attempted when Jubilee came out in her bikini made me cringe. Those two go together like … uh, well, um, er … awkward.

10. Inquiring minds NEED to know what’s up with Olivia’s hammer toes. Are they mangled? Hairy? Warty? Or does she use them to feed herself? ABC better show us that shit and soon.

And, just for giggles, here is a pic of the twins being appalled at something;

twins from The Bachelor

Oh. Mah. Gah.

 

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