10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode Of “The Bachelor”


Kelsey “My Middle Name is Delusion” Poe and Ashley “I’m Glinda The Good Witch” Fauxdashian stole the show on last night’s Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs Bachelor extravaganza. Meanwhile, in “real life,” Kelsey has petitioned the state of South Dakota to have her face put on Mount Rushmore and Sanderson Poe’s family is having his body exhumed since we all know Kels slipped some antifreeze into his morning coffee to create her “amazing” story. Below, I’ve shared 10 more things I learned from last night’s super educational episode of The Bachelor:

1. Mackenzie finally got the ole heave-ho, leaving her susceptible to the alien probes she so fears. We all know aliens would never dare enter The Bachelor mansion, as aliens are highly susceptible to airborne STDs.

2. The creepy look on Kelsey’s face as she declared that life and marriage warrants her a one-on-one and that she needs some romance was so disconcerting, I’m fairly certain she has a room in her house with dolls made of Sanderson’s skin.

3. Megan continues to prove she is the living, breathing antithesis of Mensa material when she revealed she didn’t understand whether the date card meant she was on the group date or the dreaded two-on-one. Bless her heart.

4. The producer who urged Chris to pick Ashley and Kelsey for the two-on-one date (as we all know they pick that shit) is a sadistic fuck, and I dig that about him or her.

5. Every time Kelsey nervous laughs, a puppy is murdered.

6. If we could figure out a way to harness Fauxdashian’s tear ducts, we could solve the draught in California.

7. Half of America took one look at Big & Rich and said, “Who the fuck is that?” The other half is Republican.

8. Wow – did anyone else think it was an ASSHOLE and a PUSSY move for Chris and Shtanky Britt to go off on their own and then have Chris lamely declare that he did it to spare their feelings? Chris’s country song should’a been “I Knew I Shouldn’t But My Dick Told Me To”.

9. I so badly want a job as the person who goes in and grabs the suitcases when someone is kicked to the curb while out on a date.

10. “I get it. I am blessed with eloquence and I’m articulate and I use a lot of big words because I’m smart.” -Kelsey Poe in the statement that ensured any person who sees her on the street will surely kick her in the taco.



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  1. shannon5757 says:

    How about the neck-hair-raising “I know what you did.” comment? Did anyone else hear the shrieks of Kelsey plunging a serrated knife up and down in the background?

  2. Jennifer says:

    First couple of episodes I liked Chris. Sadly after this episode I can’t stand him. I thought his move with Brit was a “dick” move and I would have walked out. Does he really have to make out with all the girls in front of everyone. At least let the girls think he isn’t kissing them. I think the show is going to his head.

    As for the previews of the next couple of episodes, I have to admit when I saw where he lived I would quit the show and go back to real life where there might be a population of more than 10 people.

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