10 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette”

Let’s talk about sex, baby, and some dictators, of course. Because, well, The Bachelorette. Oh man, this season has it all. The villain who’s gotta vill. The mighty douchey underdog. And a sidekick Canadian. So much promise! But here’s what I learned from watching last night’s episode:

Chad

1. As if we couldn’t have laughed hard enough just watching Chad and Daniel grunt and groan as they lifted weights like Hans and Franz, Chad actually gave us this little gem: “I can, like, feel my tendons.” Seriously, ‘roids will do that to you. Your protein shakes are gonna bring all the boys to the yard. To point and laugh.

2. Is anyone else wondering if Chad is going to get mid-one-on-one with JoJo at some point and yell, “We’ve just reached seven hundo calories. I’m gonna have to stop here and gnaw on this sweet potato.”

3. Best quote of the night goes to the resident Canuck, who said to Chad, “Okay so let’s say you’re Donald Trump or something like that … If I hang out with you, it shouldn’t make me look bad too, right? So, let’s not be so much like Hitler. Maybe more like Mussolini. Or Bush. So, I mean, maybe take it down a notch.” Yeah, Chad, take it down a few notches on the dictator scale, k? Uh, it’s called ‘strategery’ to borrow a “Bushism.” That was so Canadian cute, wasn’t it? We’ll keep him and send you back your bald asshole, Caillou.

4. Second best quote of the night goes to Chad (of course), who said of Evan, “He fucked up already. Had had three kids.” Truer words, Chad. Truer words.

5. One of my favorite blink-and-you-missed-it moments was Chad calling the other guy “wussies” as he was holding a mimosa.

6. Is anyone else hoping Jordan Rodgers’ hair gets its own spin-off? What Mama wouldn’t do to run her fingers through that. Lawd.

7. The worst mic drop of the night went to Chad after not only getting denied on stage by JoJo when he went in for the kiss, but then he couldn’t get the microphone to fit in the stand. Is this foreshadowing of your time in the fantasy suite, Chad? Bonus: We’ll also get to find out if it’s true what steroids does to your balls.

8. I will side with Chad that, when JoJo gave Evan the rose, I also asked, “Is this real? Is this a real scenario?” Erectile ain’t that guy’s only dysfunction! Up top! Dude, cut that hair. PLEASE.

9. Did anyone else want to call JoJo’s bluff last night when she declared that the first time she mounted a guy on the first date. Right, JoJo. Riiiiight. As an aside, did anyone else just assume that there was yoga boner action going on during that scene?

10. Who else felt that the Canadian did not seem to get the point of that whole sex talk group date? “What’s your favorite bodily fluid?” “Poo is pretty funny.” This is your brain on free healthcare, people.

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