If Juan Pablo and Justin Bieber were swimming in shark-infested waters, how much chum would you throw in? If Juan Pablo died in a sudden car accident and his heart went to another person, would that person die of coldheartedness by proxy? Did Clare and Nikki set the women’s movement 500 or 1,000 years? Is honesty supposed to feel like someone spewing acid in your face with a flare gun? So many questions, so little time, too many “Issss okays.”
Juan Pablo astounded during last night’s finale everyone with his stone cold ability to be a giant, unfeeling weenie while Clare proved she has the decision making skills of an over-served crack whore. Nikki got the shaft … oh, wait … Clare got his shaft, and Nikki got … Nikki got … what did Nikki again? An “I like you A LOT” with a creepy wink. Dude, isss not fucking okay.
Here are 10 Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor Finale: Juan Pablo Has No Soul
1. Every single viewer tried to figure out what it was that Juan Pablo actually said to Clare when the cameras were off in the helicopter. Admit it. You know you did. My best guess? “I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. But I really enjoy when you take a ride on my suck stick, so let’s just go with what we know, Sugar Tits.” AMIRITE?
2. Juan Pablo’s family thinks he’s about as big of a catch as a kid-raping serial killer with a gambling addiction and a heroine habit. You had to love cousin Rodolfo, who basically asked both girls: “What will you do when this guy hits the road after the first sign of trouble?” Brutal honesty apparently runs in the family. And ’70s porn mustaches.
3. Surprise! Wait, what? What was the surprise JP kept promising a completely jilted Chris Harrison? I guess it must be the fact that he really is that big of a dick. Huh.
4. The best part of the whole conversation between Juan Pablo and Clare was when he listened to her blabber on about how there needs to be more than
shtooping chemistry and he said that there are probably things about her that drive him crazy. And when she pressed him on that, he said, “I told you how I felt, BOOM!” That’s what JP likes to call dropping knowledge on your ass, Clare! You’ve just been Juan Pablo’d, bitch! Feels a bit like you woke up in Vegas in an ice tub without kidneys, doesn’t it? Nahh, it feels worse than that.
5. I’m pretty sure Juan Pablo uses that song he plays for Clare like a Pavlov’s dogs kind of a thing. Like, “Oh shit, she’s losing it again. Cue the song!” Silence. Tears. Besitos. Works like a charm.
6. Everyone made such a huge deal about the way he treated Clare, but how AWKWARD was that last date with Nikki?! Here were just a few of the gems:
- “I will be doing that [watching baseball] by myself probably.”
- “When I feel it, I will open up.”
- I don’t know. That’s the worst thing.”
- “It is what it is.”
- In response to a letter that ends with “I love you,” he kissed her forehead.
7. ABC Producers usually show a Bachelor agonizing over rings. Agonizing over this huge decision. With Juan Pablo, they showed him staring at a flower. Eh, life gives you lemons.
8. “I’m glad I didn’t pick her” was by far the biggest “OH NO, HE DI’INT” statement in any season of The Bachelor to date.
9. I played this statement back at least 20 times. 10 times for accuracy. 10 times for an ab workout, as it made me laugh so hard. But I swear Juan Pablo said this to Clare when letting her go:
“When you got out of the limo, you were with your belly and I was like, hmmm, look at her!” Not long after, he said, “This is the hardest decision ever, but people’s gonna go home.” That’s classic JP, right there. Classic JP.
10. Another Juan Pablo gem: “I wish the earth sucked me today.” So do we, Juan Pablo. So does every human being in Sac-a-ramento and every other part of the planet. One can only hope you get swallowed up by a sinkhole.