10 Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor This Week (February 25)

Wow, America HATES Juan Pablo. That guy’s going to get less post-show poontang than … well, frankly, anyone. Don’t worry, ees OK, Juan Pablo. Just kidding. It’s not fucking OK!

Juan Pablo and Andi

Without further adieu, here are the 10 things I learned from watching The Bachelor this week (which is a total joke because it’s a fact that watching Juan Pablo talk automatically detracts 1,000 I.Q. points):

1. Sure, she wanted him to ask her questions. Sure, she wished he wasn’t a vapid man whore. But what Andi really hated was getting Clare’s sloppy seconds. Ewww.

2. The conversation Clare had with JP about the fantasy suite was pure comedy. Girl, you lost your right to claim a moral high ground when you got the Vietnam hot beef infection.

3. If you added the emotional capacity of Nikki to the emotional capacity of Juan Pablo, you’d get a pea.

4. You had to love the previews, as we find out next week that even Juan Pablo’s family thinks that guy is a giant dick. Dude, you are the more pervert person here.

5. The next person to say “It’s okay” to Andi will cause a severe PTSD reaction, such as getting kneed in the nether region. This also happens when Peyton Manning now hears the word “Omaha”.

6. It was so uncomfortable watching JP pick something out of Andi’s eyebrow as she was degrading him into smithereens. When times get tough, he starts picking things off people like a fucking monkey.

7. Andi has taken dumps that are smarter than Juan Pablo. And more sincere, too.

8. Nikki’s fringe bikini top and gaucho pants she wore on the horseback riding date was perhaps the most horrible outfit worn in Bachelor history. And that’s considering Vienna was on the show.

9. Nikki loving Juan Pablo is about as believable as one of Clare’s sisters becoming the next Bachelorette.

10. I would give my right breast, left breast, and another appendage to hear the conversation in the fantasy suite between Andi and Juan Pablo. I can only imagine it would sound like an intelligent person and, in response, the teacher from Charlie Brown.

 

 

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