10 Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor This Week (Warning: Gross)

Someone needs to clear my schedule, as I clearly don’t have enough time to give The Bachelor the top status it deserves. That said, Juan Pablo runs about as deep as the snow here in San Diego, so there continues to be little to say from week to week. So here goes 10 Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor This Week:

  • The chemistry between Andi and Juan Pablo is agonizingly bad. It was almost as painful as that one-piece bathing suit she wore.
  • It was interesting that the narrow pathway en route to the falls in New Zealand was called “The Squeeze,” as that’s exactly what JP put on Clare’s boobies in the ocean.
  • Interactions with Sharleen continue to be as awkward as that moment when someone catches you picking your nose at a stoplight. And I’d rather lick Bob Costas’s eyeballs rather than watch one more kiss between them.
  • BTW, Sharleen, no one gives a shit about your “feelings,” as we all know you don’t have any, so shut the fuck up about things happening organically already. This is The Bachelor, you pretentious twat.
  • The kissing on group dates has gotten out of hand. In my approximation, they’ve now each swallowed ten gallons of each other’s saliva.
  • Nikki’s got balls to kiss Juan in that rolling OGO. See what I did there? Balls? Seriously, though, how much did you hate her as she bragged about doing it … twice … to the cameras? #goober
  • Has anyone else picked up on Nikki’s bid to be the next Bachelorette? It was awesome when Juan Pablo asked her “why” she liked him, she said, “I just do.” You might want to put a bit more thought into that before next week, you conniving beeyatch.
  • Kat tried to pull the sympathy card on Juan Pablo, talking about her dad’s alcoholism, and she still went home. Yet another thing lost in translation for Juan Pablo.
  • I’m pretty sure the only thing Juan Pablo thinks when Clare talks in that super high-pitched voice that only dogs and other simple minded folks can hear is “BOOBS”.

Clare talking to juan Pablo on The Bachelor

  • Sharleen ends the show saying she’ll “give it a week,” as she can see that other girls there like him better. Trust us — nothing is going to happen to Juan Pablo in a week besides him asking himself in the mirror “Which way’s the gun show?” while listening to salsa music.

What are your thoughts on this season? Share if you dare!

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  1. Shannon5757 says:

    You pretty much hit the nail on the head there, Marn. If we have to hear the word “organic” one more time, I’m pretty sure I’ll need a surgeon to remove my eyeballs from the back of my head. Nauseating.

    Quickly becoming even more nauseating is Clare’s overdramatic pause/eyebrow raise/lip bite combo before every single statement and, and overuse of the word “like”.

    It’s, like, really fucking annoying.

  2. ALlie says:

    I confess, I don’t watch the Bachelor, and may be the only blogger who doesn’t. I’m sorry! But I like what you wrote – but still don’t get the show.

  3. Jennifer says:

    Hi! I agree with everything you said. I really don’t like JP is a great choice for the show. I am really sick and tired of hearing him say, ” I understand, don’t worry,” then he does the move where he puts the girls hair behind her ear. He has very few words that he knows well and that’s all he says. Also, in the history of the show I have never seen anyone kiss more girls and more times than JP!

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