10 Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor This Week

El Bachaylor. Sigh. I haven’t been able to dedicate as much time to Juanuary as I had hoped … hence this post that is striking while the iron is ice cold. But I still thought it’d be fun to share some thoughts on the ridonkulousness that is this show, so below are 10 Things I Learned From Watching The Bachelor This Week:


1. Nikki is a very big dicky. Who knew? Curses to you, girlfriend, as I picked you to go all the way to in my fantasy pool and now I know I’m screwed. Once Juan Pablo gets a whiff of the stank that is your negativity, and he’ll kick you to the curb faster than you can say “gays are more pervert.” Not only did she say things that revealed her inner c-word but she has a scorching case of BRF, or bitchy resting face. Like worse than Michelle Obama. And that’s bad.

michelle obama brf

2. I learned that guys who watch this show (aka my husband) are ruthless. Case in point, when Elise got into her outfit in Seoul, he said, “Rock out with your saddlebags out.” Ouch.

3. Apparently, people in Seoul all like to dress like the guys from LMFAO.


4. Sharleen is about as fun as a pap smear when you have the yeastie beasties. She continues to kiss like a dying fish, and I love that she acts like it’s her choice that she’s not into being a mom. Like that frozen vagina could ever bring forth a baby.

5. “I’m not going to kiss anyone tonight” is only something Juan says to mediocre and ugly chicks.

6. Clare acted like eating octopus was more disgusting than eating maggot-covered flesh pizza. She will now be referred to as “Octopussy”.

7. ┬áDog girl has repeatedly made my skin itch and has yet to be shown actually talking to Juan for even a second, but you have to love that she said of Octopussy, “I know you’ve swallowed bigger things that that.” Kudos, dog girl. Kudos.

8. Renee has officially somehow managed to go even beyond the Friend Zone. She’s now in the “good for the occasional photo bomb zone”.

9. Octopussy has emerged as the vapid whore whom we are all going to hate. Like, a lot.

10. Elise remained a classless nasal-talker until the very end, when she picked up those saddlebags and waddled off into the sunset. But the most awkward exit in history has to go to poor Lauren, who will now have to go into the witness protection program, as there is no way that girl has a shred of pride left.

What do you think of this season so far?

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