Hey, Juan Pablo. The Jerk Store called — they’re out of you. BURN! I almost felt bad for the guy last night … almost … as the heavily made up and bitchiest batch of women to ever hit those “Women Tell All” seats picked him apart like a pack of rabid coyotes. If you channeled the bitterness in that room, you could solve the energy crisis lickety split. MEOW! I still picked up on some observations that made me giggle, so here are the 10 THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING THE BACHELOR WOMEN TELL ALL episode on Monday:
1. JP loves the gays! Seriously, he does! It’s OK, everyone, he’s not a homophobe. He even had gay friends call him. So we can all just calm the fuck down.
2. The dog urine from Molly is the least offensive bodily fluid to be spewed in the Bachelor pool. I wouldn’t get in that hot tub for a million dollars.
3. Sharleen calling Juan Pablo’s romp in the ocean with Clare “buyer’s remorse” was the most awesomely passive aggressive statement ever to be said on this show.
4. I’m pretty sure Cassandra didn’t understand any of the conversations last night. Three words, girlfriend: HOOKED ON PHONICS. The best was when she said she wanted to be asked about less surface things, like what her favorite color is and whether she likes pizza. Just smile pretty, k?
5. Sharleen still has the hots for JP! Did anyone notice the case of the ragin’ thigh sweats she got when Chris Harrison asked her if she would get “besitos” from Juan Pablo? No cerebral connection but she still wants the Juan Pablo hot beef injection. Classy, my ass! P.S. Give Miss Piggy back her nose, Sharleen.
6. Were there about three chicks there that you don’t even remember being on the show? No? Just me?
7. I love me some sweet Renee but girlfriend still always looks sticky. Same goes for you, Kat, and “free spirit” Lucy. Group shower time!
8. Yank my doodle, it’s not Andi! Why didn’t they announce her as the next bachelorette? Perhaps they’re not fully committed and are beginning to see her as the arrogant, whiny person who has drunk far too much of the Andi Kool-Aid.
9. Kelly/Dog Lover seemed oddly invested for someone who was only shown talking to Juan Pablo one time — when she got out of the limo.
10. The mathematical formula for Juan Pablo using Camilla as an excuse not to kiss people is as follows: Juan Pablo + ugly chick = Camilla is watching.