10 Things I Learned On My First Trip To Disney World

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Guess who popped her Disney World cherry a few weeks ago? THIS GIRL. If you could see me, you could see that I’ve got my thumbs pointed at me. I really need to get that web cam.

We did four days … in a row … and lived to tell about it! I have to say, in looking back on the trip, there were certain things I noticed about the Happiest Place On Earth. Let me know if you’ve felt the same:

1. At some point in time, you will be wet on a part of your body and have no idea where the moisture came from. It will very displeasing. If you go during the hot months (which is all of them), you will also have someone else’s sweat on you.

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2. Whoever created these rides definitely did a lot of hallucinogens and was hoping to give others who have done the same flashbacks accompanied by a flop sweat. It’s no coincidence that when you google “It’s a Small World Ride,” the fourth auto entry is “creepy.”

3. It’s physically impossible to look good in the post-ride photos. Physically. Impossible. Seriously — who buys those things? You may also realize in your goofy roller coaster pose with your arms in the air that you forgot to shave your pits.

4. Although it’s called “the happiest place on earth,” you will have more than a fleeting thought that humanity is doomed.

5. You never thought unhealthy, greasy food could taste bad. You were totally and completely wrong until you discovered this fact at Disney World.

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6. At one point or another during the parade, your mind wandered to how grown adults could actually make a living doing this. You also wondered who was giving the hot beef injection to who (come on — you know you did).

7. You will also look for a hole in your pocket. It must be there, as there is no way that money you got out this morning is already gone (only it is).

8. You will curse the mother effer who decided the Magic Kingdom shouldn’t sell alcohol, as he is certainly a sadistic fuck who has never even met a child let alone encountered hundreds of thousands of them in the same place.

9. You will take a scalding 20-minute hot shower at the end of the day and still feel sticky.

10. You will look at one of those families using those leashes on their kids and clutch your pearls in disgust. Then, you will discover that your child is gone and find him walking with another family a half mile ahead.


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