10 Things You Never Want To Hear Your Kids Say

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? We’ve all said it. We have no idea where it comes from and, at times, it’s like the person they were in a previous life has suddenly taken up residence again. My mother thinks my son often comes off like an old Jewish man because he talks with his hands a lot. The thing is, though — as often as we hear the funny things, we hear things that hit us with a certain amount of dread. As in, “Oh shit, there goes the neighborhood” dread. I’m going to share ten of mine below:

1. “Mom, I’m done!” For me, this means my five-year-old is in one of our two bathrooms, awaiting having his buns wiped after going #2. I’ve considered giving him complete ass-wiping autonomy but I also do the laundry and am not a fan of skidmarks. It’s quite a conundrum.

2. “I think our fish is taking a nap.” To lie or not to lie. That is the question.

3. “I want Daddy” in the midst of crying. Every mom has gone through this. We grumble and complain that, 99 percent of the time, it’s our name that’s called in the middle of the night. But the first time you hear this, it’s like he has just kicked you square in the uterus.

4. “Pull my finger.” Yeah, my dad taught him that one. Thanks, Grandpa!

5. “Why do you drink wine?” and any other variation of this. Don’t make me drink in the bathroom, kid.

mom likes wine

Some things need to stay in-family, kid.

*Photo from Buzzfeed.com

6. “This one time, Spongebob…” A lot of my five-year-old’s sentences begin this way, which is why I’m sure that if you cracked open his brain you might find a pea and a Coors light.

7. “My girlfriend, (insert name here)…” Really? A girlfriend already? I’m already dreading the perma-boner, cracked sheets stage. Please. Just give me some time.

8. “So-and-so’s mom does (insert something really cool here)…” Oh yeah? Well I can…I, uh…Did you know I once…oh, forget it.

9. “What IS this?” whilst looking at the dinner you just put down in front of him. Eat it and shut it, kid. Eat it and shut it.

10. “What is THAT?” while looking at something on your face or body. Look, kid, I had you when I was 35. How about we have a “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy ’round here, k? From now on, I’d only like you to look at me using an Instagram filter.

What about you — what do you dread hearing from your child?

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  1. Sara says:

    “MOM! I have a bugger on my finger!!” And there is and it’s the size of a moon crater and there is no paper product within a 40 mile radius. Or, this little treasure, Me: “What do you want for dinner?” Boy: “Mac and Cheese!!!” Me: Made Mac and Cheese, which with the shells takes about an hour and twenty minutes. “Here’s your Mac and Cheese!” Boy: “Nah.” But, shit, I do it every time and it’s okay because that actually is in the job description.

  2. Jennifer says:

    My mom is going to a “VaJayJay Party.” Just happened two days ago when I was talking to someone on the phone. This one just happened yesterday, I said “I think your Dad needs a drink.” My son says when Dad walked away, “isn’t this where we hide the beer?” We don’t hide beer, it’s just downstairs in another frig. I’m sure I will have more when Addison gets older.

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