10 Toys That Should Never Be Given To Young Boys

I’ve already mentioned that my house is where toys go to die. My boys can break anything. Anything! It’s like they find it a challenge or something. They are also masterful separators. Nothing that comes together stays together for more than five minutes. The other night, I sat down on something sharp, only to find that a pawn in the Legoland game (we had only played it once) had gotten lodged up my buttcrack. So, yeah, they’re not good with toys.

I’ve seen girls with toys and, while I know this is a generalization it seems that, for the most part, they’re dainty, composed, and responsible. I picture civilized tea parties and dress-up, after which each toy is neatly placed back in its place. I know this is likely untrue but, as the mother of two boys, that’s how I picture it. When it comes to two young boys, some toys are better than others. Just in time for the holidays, I’ve shared 10 toys that should never – under any circumstance – be given to young boys … at least my guys, who have the sense of one dodo bird (who has fallen out of his nest and onto a bed of nuclear sand).

1. Legos. Yeah, I said it. Precious, precious Legos! Perhaps your prodigy can keep all the parts together long enough to actually form something meaningful but my two boys of average intelligence can’t. Ultimately, everyone gets frustrated and Legos are everywhere. And I mean everywhere. As we all know, every time someone steps on a Lego an angel clips its wings (while yelling “FUCK” very loudly).

2. Colored bubbles. Who’s the genius at Crayola who invented these? We thought they were really neato until the bubbles broke and stained our patio. #FUCKYOUCRAYOLA

3. Anything that can make fart noises. Forget it – that’s every toy.

nerf archery

4. Archery or anything that has to do with Archery. I get it, Nerf – all of your products are sorta soft at the end but, trust me, when launched at your eyeball at high speeds, even soft shit hurts like a Mo-Fo.

5. Play-Doh. Again, I can imagine girls make unicorns and rainbows out of this and then put it away in its proper containers. Boys make it into butts and penises before spreading it into every nook and cranny of your gahdamn house.

6.Remote control anything. After hitting said vehicle into your shins 4,000 times in one day, it breaks. Every. Single. Time.

7. Anything that requires big batteries. Double and Triple As are always on hand but hell hath no fury like a little boy when you don’t have a mother*cking D battery for his new toy.

8. The Wubble Bubble Ball. I’ll admit, I’m a bit obsessed with this thing. It’s a bubble! It’s a ball! It’s a bubble ball! I even love playing this thing with the boys … for the 10.4 minutes we have it before it pops.

9. Talking garbage trucks, as in Stinky, the Garbage Truck. This toy makes fart noises and then giggles about it. I’ll let that sink in for you in reference to a 4 and 6-year-old. I’ve almost lit Stinky on fire numerous times, usually when he inevitably goes off at 4 AM.

10. Kinetic Sand or, for that matter, anything that ensures it’ll be “No Mess.” My kids hear that and only think one thing: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Kinetic Sand


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  1. Dana says:

    Ha, so funny! It’s true, from my minimal experience of having one of each, that girls can be less destructive than boys, they are total slobs. At least mine is. Kinetic sand is a freaking mess, oy!

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