10 Yoga Poses And Their Accompanying Sadomasochistic Thoughts

Yoga has become ubiquitous. Everyone seems to be doing it, talking about it, and/or touting the comforts of its clothes (thank you for changing the face of school pickup, yoga pants). I happen to think it’s the bomb.com, and have found that it has changed my life for the better in many ways. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fleeting thoughts about wanting to punch the instructor in her Mula Bandha. Or that some of these poses should be used to torture secrets out of our enemies. Or that the way my belly scrunches up when doing that side twisty pose is seriously disgusting. So, below, I’ve decided to share 10 common yoga poses and what I really think of them in class:

1. Half Moon Pose: Aptly titled because it’s so unnatural for your body to hold itself in this position, half of your ass starts to shake and quiver faster than your VitaMix. The rest of the day you walk around with your butt cheeks clenched tighter than an inmate on his first day of prison.

yoga half moon pose

2. Shoulder Stand: ┬áThis is my least favorite yoga pose. I always feel like, with one wrong move, I’ll be completely paralyzed. I begin to ponder if the teacher is actually certified. But the worst part? Gravity shoves my gigantic belly down so far that my love handles somehow rest gently on my nose.

yoga shoulder stand

3. Tree Pose: I often feel like a drunk person that’s just been pulled over by a cop. The more I try to get my body to balance and stay in one place, the more it sways like a hurricane has just unleashed its fury solely on my body. When I inevitably tip over, I look like a frustrated toddler trying to rebuild a Lego structure that has collapsed after ten minutes of working furiously to get it stand up in the first place.

yoga tree pose

4. Eagle: I’ve decided that “eagle” must actually mean “OMFG” in Hindu, as there is no way anyone’s body should ever wrap itself into a human pretzel and live to tell about it. Not only that but, once you actually get yourself into the pretzel, they ask you slide as if going down a wall. AND THEN HOLD IT. My only consolation comes from the collective moan everyone lets out when done. Misery loves company and all that.

Yeah, this is completely natural.

5. Boat: This is my where I embarrass myself and consider going into witness protection. Every teacher LOVES this pose. It’s done in every f*cking class without fail. Your body is supposed to go into a perfect “V” and yet I know I look just like the Hunchback of Notre Dame … right up until my ridiculously weak ab wall gives way and I roll back, nearly taking out the person behind me.

yoga boat pose

6. Pigeon: Again, this is done in every class without fail. You swing your leg up way behind you and then swing it forward, trying to somehow make your leg go completely sideways, as if you are a human chicken wing. The more torturous instructors will encourage you to put your front leg perpendicular to your back leg, which should only happen if your limbs are made of silly putty. You then lean forward with your head on the ground, all the while thinking of what you’d do to the instructor if it were just you, her, and a jump rope. They say that your hips hold all your unexpressed anger and, during this pose, I think of all the people I hate and come up with horrible nicknames for them.

yoga pigeon

7. Child’s Pose: Folks, you have reached Nirvana. There is nothing like this pose after you’ve just coaxed your body into some position that it will pay for in the coming weeks. You are generally only allowed in this “resting pose” for about .08 seconds, and your body tells you to go f*ck itself when you demand its release.

yoga child's pose

8. Seated Straddle: The position where everyone feels like they’re going to fart. And someone ALWAYS does. No one acknowledges it but, inside, we’re all laughing like 8-year-old boys.

yoga seated straddle

9. Bow-Pose: There is no ladylike way to get in this pose. You usually wiggle around for minutes looking like you are trying to release your body from the grips of a professional wrestler just to coax your legs far enough up to grab them. Then you hold the pose while trying to look regal as profane words pass through your head and you wonder why it feels like you have a heartbeat in your stomach.

yoga bow pose

10. Savasana: You’ve made it! This is the pose that means you have at least 24 hours until you torture your body in that way again, and every muscle is throwing a raging party. It’s called Corpse Pose and, after particularly hard classes, you wonder if you might actually be dead. Inevitably, some asshat gets up and gets his shit together while you’re trying to get your serenity on. Knowing this might be your only moment of peace for the day, you decide you will have to key his car next time he parks next to you. And there goes your Zen.

yoga Savasana

*All Photos Courtesy of FitSugar

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