11 Things About Last Night’s Episode Of “The Bachelor”: Jimmy Kimmel, Social Lube

Jimmy Kimmel is like salt. Anything you add him to turns out better. Poor Chris Harrison, though. Nobody puts Baby in the corner, and he was definitely carrying Jimmy’s watermelon. While this week was not nearly as much of a shit show as last week, the crazy was still in high gear. Here are 11 things I noticed during last night’s episode of The Bachelor:

1. I’m starting to get a milquetoast-y vibe from Chris Soules. I wanted to think he was this mysterious and ridiculously hot farmer but more and more I just have one reaction to him: YAWN. I loved when Jimmy Kimmel even chided him for his lack of social skills, joking, “Are there people on the farm or just animals?”

2. The best line of the night goes to Jimmy Kimmel, who declared himself a “lubricant,” saying, “I’m here to smooth things through.” Let’s start a thread on the Twitters: #JimmyKimmel=KY

3. The second best line of the night goes to Amber who, after watching the other girls down the lukewarm goat milk declared, “Salty and warm … not stuff I like in my mouth.” Join the crowd, Amber. Join the crowd. Later, someone else declared it tasted like protein. You honestly can’t make this shit up.

4. Despite her helium voice, Whitney emerged as a dark horse after impressing the hell out of Chris by crashing that wedding like a pro. Sidenote: Did anyone else think there was absolutely NO way that not one person at that wedding recognized him?

5. Ashley S. ran out of hallucinogens. If her dealer comes through before next week’s episode, we’ll likely get to see her talk to the toilet.

6. The most cringeworthy part of the night goes to Mackenzie when she asked Chris, “Why are you kissing everyone else?” with that super scary stare she has down to a science. WHY DOES HE KEEP GIVING HER ROSES??? She scurrrrres me.

7. The “Amazing” jar was pretty funny but we could have put a few people through college with a “Journey” jar. Jussayin’.

8. Megan was allowed to speak her mind (bless her heart), at which point she declared it to be her “most best day ever.” That’s cute, honey. Now just sit there and be pretty.

9.  The girl with the hooker heels who landed 20 minutes on the bed with Chris came out of nowhere, didn’t she? Stylist needed ASAP.

10. There’s nothing quite like a long talk about suicide that makes me wanna rock out at a pool party, amirite? #DebbieDowner

11. Jillian’s roided out butt cheeks continue to be blacked out by ABC, which confirms what we all guessed. Her unusually hairy ass is actually in negotiations to have a cameo on American Horror Story: Freak Show.

Is that a hot dog in your bikini or are you just happy to see me?

Is that a hot dog in your bikini or are you just happy to see me?

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