12 Days of Christmas: The Grumpy Mom Version

There are twelve days until Christmas and, if you’re as behind as I am, you’re leaning more towards the Grinch and less towards the jolly old soul (although that old part is right). I love Christmas, but this whole work-at-home mom thing is absolute crap, and I’m really fucking grumpy. So I thought we’d dissect this classic song from my point of view, and what I’d REALLY like from my true love…

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me…

Twelve drummers drumming — like I need more fucking noise! If 12 drummers drumming come to MY house, they’d better be ready for some explosives to go off, James Bond style. And anyone who gets my kids a noisy toy for Christmas will have me respond in kind. How about some nice, relaxing cymbals, huh? Boom goes your Christmas, mother fucker!

Eleven pipers piping — see the above about noise. Now if you come bearing a pipe loaded with something that you can buy legally in CO and WA, I just may let you in and give you a cozy seat by the fire.

Ten lords a-leaping — Who are these lords and why are they leaping? Don’t they know I’m GRUMPY? Sit down and have a cocktail. PLEASE.

Nine ladies dancing — My true love would definitely appreciate this one, but he can head to Vegas for that shit. The first and only time I tried to have a personal lap dance I threw up on the stripper. It’s too traumatic for me.

Eight maids a-milking — Forget that milk crap, but I’d love nothing more than eight maids to clean my house while I read trashy mags and eat chocolate. THIS is one I can get on board with.

Seven swans a-swimming — What’s with all the “a” shit? a-milking? a-swimming? Are these people Canadian? Take your swans and your free healthcare and go back to your own country where you can play hockey all year round, hosers.

Six geese a-laying — Unless these geese lay golden fucking eggs, they’d better fly South for the winter. Have you ever tried to clean up goose shit? Come one step closer and you six are going to be glazed for dinner, got it?

Five golden rings — I was going to say that I was “pro” this one, of course. Who doesn’t want five golden rings? But then it made me think of the “He went to Jared commercial,” which makes me want to punch someone in the genitals.

Four calling birds — Enough with the noisy animals, k? We don’t live in a zoo! Yeah, yeah, okay, it’s “zoo-like,” but two pugs is all this lady can stand. Call all you want — my dogs WILL eat you.

Three French hens — Unless it’s French fries, we want nothing to do with that country in our house. Francophiles can suck it, for all we care. I’d threaten to shoot you, too, but you’d probably retreat before I had the chance. Pussies.

Two turtle doves — Apparently this author loves poultry. But doves mean peace, and I’m feeling anything but peaceful right now. You’ll end up in a nearby cesspool with the seven swans that are now a-drowning.

And a partridge in a pear tree! A pear tree! A partridge! Why is there an exclamation point!?!? Am I supposed to be fucking excited about a partridge in a pear tree!? Unless it’s an actual member of The Partridge Family singing “Come On, Get Happy” while tripping his balls off (I’m talking to you, Danny Bonaduce), I don’t want anything to do with it.

Partridge Family banner

As if it were that easy…

Bah. Fucking. Humbug.

*Photo Courtesy of MonkeySpit.net






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