15 Things I Learned From My Son’s First Year Of School

If you’ve been reading my blog this year at all, you know kindergarten caught me more off guard than the time a bird shat down my sunglasses. Our foray into “real school” was anything but smooth but, in the end, we’re all going to be okay (I think). Here are 15 things I learned from it:

Jack Black School of Rock

1. After buying 25 pieces of posterboard, 4 boxes of tissue, 10 containers of Clorox Wipes, 20 snacks, 50 paper bags, 40 pencils, 25 gifts for the treasure box, 10 boxes of crayons, 12 boxes of markers, and 5 boxes of colored pencils, it hit me. Public school ain’t really free.

2. Common Core makes about as much sense as getting a Mike Tyson face tattoo on your ass. As Tyson, himself, would put it, “It’s ludacrith.”

3. Some kids are dicks, plain and simple. They’re just little dicks (giggle, snort).

4.¬†While most might think kids don’t start to smell until they hit puberty, a year in kindergarten proves otherwise.

5. Teacher voice is like nails on a chalkboard, and I only hope she knows how to turn it off when she goes home for the sake of everyone in her abode.
6. The parking situation can get more aggressive than a Whole Foods parking lot.
7. The amount of homework has shown me that I will be googling facts and information for the next 12 years … like, a lawt.
8. Losing your phone at a school function and having it recovered by the President of the PTA when your friends text you things like, “What’s up, stinky bitchface?” is really embarrassing (yeah, this one’s very personal).
Ari from Entourage throwing phone
9. Spirit wear is all around us.
10. There will always be a nose-picker, and he will be established early on.
11. There is not enough soap in the world for me to eat something handed to me by a kindergartener.
12. There may need to be a conversation between parent and child about what’s meant for public consumption (yes, Mommy does like her wine but not everyone needs to know that).
ben stiller be quiet gif
13. Volunteering in the classroom may make you feel incompetent.
14. If drinking games happened in kindergarten, everyone would do a shot when someone said “poop.” Apparently, it’s universally hysterical.
15. There’s always going to be some asshat parent who tries to make everyone else look bad by doing the project himself. Conversely, there’s always going to be the parent who makes everyone look amazing by forgetting crap, being late, and getting yelled at for parking in a teacher spot (hey, I had to drop some shit off).
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