20 Emojis and What They Really (Should) Mean

EMOJIS. Before I downloaded them a couple of years ago, I didn’t understand what the BFD was. I mean, if I need to express my happiness, I had my trusty “;-).” See, I’m even winking at you–how very cheeky of me! Alas, I decided to see just what the big deal was and, my oh my, I’ve never looked back. I’m truly addicted. I can’t even send a text without using one or it feels incomplete. I even went to use one the other day when I was emailing with my son’s teacher. It’s a sickness. I let out a giant “squee” when the latest ones came out, and have been sprinkling that shit like confetti in a really annoying holiday card. The thing is, I have very distinct ideas about what these little guys mean, and I’ve decided to share them with you:

nerd emoji

I was strung up by my underwear in high school.

 smug emojiI think everything you just said is complete bullshit.

 poop emoji

I really need to fart but, after last night’s spicy tacos, I’m not sure it’s safe.

 smooch emojiFor girls to girls: Love ya!

For guys to girls: I want in your pants.

sunglasses emojiNo, I’M the real Slim Shady.

 happy face emoji

I’ve never said an interesting thing in my life.

 shocked emoji

I. Can’t. Even. No, seriously.

 straight faced emojiWhat you said displeases me but I won’t give you the satisfaction of knowing that.

tongue emoji

Girl, you looking as fine as a three-dollar wine.

 whiny emojiNo, everything is NOT awesome, you Lego dickhead.

 sick emojiMontezuma is having his revenge.

 crying emojiFeeling butthurt.

unicorn emojiI still sleep with stuffed animals.

girl hand emoji You can get with this, or you can get with that.

wink emoji

I missed my sexual harassment training. Get over here so I can slap that ass, gurrrrl.

face melting emoji

Did you really just say, “I heard that on FOX News”?

 mad emojiPack your bag because shit’s about to get real up in here.

 big teeth emojiI’m actually hurting on the inside.

 hand in face emoji

Oh Mah Gah, did you really just say that?

fire emoji

Sure, I’d love to sit down but my hemorrhoids have a mind of their own.

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