20 Things You Want to Say “No” to This Holiday Season

It’s the most wonderful time of the year and all that shit. I kid, I kid, as I’m a Christmas junkie. I love the music, the smells, and the rationalization that wine is to be drunk every night in December to the point of Santa-level jolliness. But … now you knew a “but” was coming … there are things I wish I could say “no” to. Whether it’s mom guilt, a sense of obligation, or being a straight-up pushover, I feel like I can’t. You know you feel the same way, too. And here are some of those things:

Christmas grumpy cat

No, No, and, oh, did I mention HELL NO?

1.  No, I don’t want to get my feet washed at midnight mass. I’d rather be playing drinking Jenga but hell is a scary place.

2.     No, I don’t want to go to your cookie exchange because the only good thing to come from the last time I baked was that I got to meet my local firefighters.

3.  No, I don’t want to bring in Christmas tree-shaped watermelon and Santa grape-strawberries on toothpicks (thank you for ruining our lives, Pinterest) to your school bazaar. I want to bring in Santa Peeps and call it a day. 

4.     No, I don’t want to eat the cookies that you so proudly exclaimed were made by little Jaden as I’ve seen where that kid’s fingers have been and it ain’t pretty.

5.     No, I’m not super happy that I got your white elephant party gag gift that’s going to gather the dust from human skin in my bathroom instead of a really cool gift like the one I brought.

6.      No, I don’t want to go to the kindergarten Christmas pageant because, yes, I will be running late and all I’ll be able to see is all you chumps holding up your cell phones to catch three minutes of inharmonious agony.

7.     And, no, I don’t want to go eat stale cookies and lemonade in your classroom afterwards, where I have to make awkward small talk with other parents who also don’t want to be there.

8.     No, I don’t want to buy the teachers’ gifts off their list of “favorite things” when I could go buy gift cards to Buca di Beppo in bulk at Costco.

9.     No, I don’t want to exchange gifts with the whole family when all we do is give each other gift cards in the same amount every year but not doing this is frowned upon. 

10.  No, I don’t want your newsletter about all the amazing things you and your kids did this year when the highlight of mine was a divorce.

11.  No, I don’t want to add $5 to my grocery bill for your charity when I give plenty at home but I will anyway because I don’t want the person behind me to think I’m a total dick.

12.  No, I don’t want your coupons for a “free hug” if that’s all you’re going to get me. There, I said it.

 13.  No, I don’t want to go to your ugly sweater party when I could be at home watching Jimmy Stewart ponder the worth of his existence while eating pizza in my Christmas jammies.

14.  No, I don’t want to go caroling because I already hate my neighbors and the idea of singing in their unfriendly faces makes me stabby.

15.  No, I don’t want to take the classroom pet home over the holiday break because keeping things alive is hard.

16.  No, I don’t want to travel across the U.S. on Christmas Eve because this might be Great Aunt Eve’s last one because I really don’t even know Great Aunt Eve but karma is a bitch and angry relatives are scary.

17.  No, I don’t want to wrap your gifts with twine, fresh holly berries, and pinecones but a Christmas tree overlooking a sea of gift bags just looks shitty.

 18.  No, Creepy Uncle Al—I don’t want to get under the mistletoe with you, just as I haven’t for the last 45 years. You didn’t get your nickname for nothin’. See also: current news.

 19.  No, I don’t want to make plans with you for New Year’s Eve because no one has ever had fun going out on New Year’s Eve in the history of New Year’s Eves.

20.  No, I didn’t steal the baby Jesus from the Nativity scene on your lawn because you voted for Trump (okay, maybe I did).

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Comments

  1. shannon5757 says:

    re #20: no judgement. They had it coming.

    Merry Christmas, Marn!! And thanks for another year of laughs!!

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