“Bachelor Pad” Episode 2 Recap: The Twins Are, Like, Stupid

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Watch one episode of Bachelor Pad and you’ll know why other countries secretly (and some not so secretly) hate us.  Last night’s episode started with a feud between the dirty twins that was so high-pitched, only other mentally handicapped people could hear.  It was like a couple of howler monkeys speaking some sort of twinganese and it, like, made me want to melt my own skin off with hot lava.  Wonder twin powers activate — form of two douchenozzles!  If {Read More}

“Bachelor Pad 3″ Premiere Recap: It’s on Like Donkey Kong (or a Donkey Punch)

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Folks – we’re one episode in on Bachelor Pad and it’s already made up for the lameness of the Season of The Toothy Wonder.  Every single person in the cast has a very loose grip on reality, which makes for fascinating TV.  Can we just talk for a moment about the fact these people think they’re actually celebrities?  The fans caused a major (and brilliant) rift on the show, despite being super-duper vanilla milk-toast.  Despite this fact, the insecurities of {Read More}

“The Bachelorette” Finale Recap: a Daggone Predictable Ending

Bachelor Pad

Did you guys hear the latest on Emily?  The buzz on the interwebs is that she longs to stay in the spotlight, and hopes to parlay her stint as the Bachelorette into something in entertainment.  I remember hearing a while back that OJ Simpson was in talks with FOX to do a show called Juiced in which he’d randomly frighten people around town, jumping out from bushes saying “You’ve been juiced!”  Heart attacks would have surely been prevalent along with {Read More}

“The Bachelorette” Men Tell All Recap: Even the Bloopers Sucked Balls

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A quick game of “Would you rather?” – would you rather have another season as Emily as the Bachelorette or be locked in the room for one hour with the guy who ate that other dude’s face off?  Think about it.  I think I’d take my chances.  I’ve taken self-defense.  Last night’s “Men Tell All” episode went far in proving beyond a reasonable doubt that she is single-handedly the lamest person on the earth.  Chris Harrison, whom I normally love {Read More}

“The Bachelorette” Episode 9 Recap: The Fantasy Suite Sees No Men (or Semen)

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Okay, so I’ve been pretty rough on The Bachelorette this season.  Between Emily being about as exciting as an ingrown hair, the high ratio of douche-to-douche interactions, and the lack of drama, I’ve gotten a bad case of Words-With-Friends tendonitis.  But I’m not totally dead inside (most days), and last night there were some genuinely tender moments.  On a scale of Sarah Palin’s Alaska to Amazing Race, it added up to about So You Think You Can Dance – and {Read More}

“The Bachelorette” Episode 8 Recap: No One Spoke English, and Still No One Cared

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As avid fans of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette series know, when you’re looking forward to Bachelor Pad, someone in charge has shit the bed.  I can’t say enough bad things about this season but, mercifully, it’s coming to a close.  It’s worth mentioning that my in-laws watched the show with us last night, and decided that Emily is an “8 or a 9.”  I told them that, by the end of the show, she’ll be lucky to be a {Read More}