10 Things You Never Want To Hear Your Kids Say

mom likes wine

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? We’ve all said it. We have no idea where it comes from and, at times, it’s like the person they were in a previous life has suddenly taken up residence again. My mother thinks my son often comes off like an old Jewish man because he talks with his hands a lot. The thing is, though — as often as we hear the funny things, we hear things that hit us with a {Read More}

The Bachelorette Recap: Das Es Not Gut

Desiree Hartsock The Bachelorette two on one date

Guys, I’m in a bad spot. I’m having a pretty serious case of¬†The Bachelorette¬†burnout: side effects include drinking a shit ton of Chardonnay, wearing wife beaters, and talking to those around me in really cheesy platitudes. I know, I know! What’s next? Coffee will lose its cool buzz that makes my children bearable? Wine will begin to taste nonalcoholic? Pizza will lose its ability to make me feel funny in the nethers (damn, it’s good)? I’ve actually even considered jumping {Read More}

TOP TEN ALTERNATIVE BABY NAMES FOR NORTH WEST

Kimye baby

As if we all needed more of a reason to loathe Kimye but now they’ve gone and done it. We’ve all heard the ridonkulous shit these celebs try to pull off — Pilot Inspektor (Way to go, Jason Lee! You fucking moron!). Apple (We’re just surprised Gwyneth didn’t name her “Goop”). Blanket (As in you’ll need this for security after I molest the shit out of you). And now Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who are two of the most {Read More}

My Story…

butterfly on hand

  I was going to do a post about my silly dogs today but, after reading several heart-wrenching stories online yesterday with it being the six-month anniversary of Newtown, I decided to go with a post I’ve been debating about writing for a while. It’s about mental illness. Doesn’t that just sound horrible? It’s hard for a stigma not to surround such a negative term. Perhaps we can come up with a new label for it, like brain funkiness or {Read More}

Ten Things I Learned Watching Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette

brian's girlfriend the bachelorette

It’s season one millionty of The Bachelorette and you’d think I’d be sick of the formulaic roles, predictable scandals, and “Who’s gonna tell X that Y isn’t here for the right reasons?” But ya know what? I still fucking love this shit. Eat it up. Nom. Nom. Nom. Tastes so good…like chicken and Chardonnay. I need to find a way to get paid to write about this train wreck but, in the meantime, I’ll have to stick to these somewhat {Read More}

In Stupid Asshole News: People Are Sewing Patches On Their Tongues to Lose Weight

tongue patch for weight loss

It’s National Motherfucking Donut Day, people. Yes, that is the unofficial official name for it. In honor of that, I would like to write about a group of douchenozzles that give L.A. and “eaties” everywhere a bad name. I heard about this on the radio yesterday and had to look it up to see if it was true…it’s that ridonkulous. *Photo courtesy of Sweet Tater Blog Some asshat surgeon in Beverly Hills named Nikolas Chugay developed a patch that’s sewn {Read More}

“I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!” Said No One Who Was Telling the Fucking Truth

foot poking through pregnant belly

It seems that every time you turn on the news, you hear another story about a woman who didn’t know they were pregnant. They even made a fucking show about it. “I got up one night and thought I was going to have some diarrhea, and out came lil’ John!” I even googled “I didn’t know I was pregnant” and one of the bazillion stories that came up was a recent one about a Michigan woman who had a ten {Read More}