5 Food Substitutions That Will Make You Sadder Than Turkey Bacon

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New year, new you. Out with the old, in with the new. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. As we reach this ultra-depressing time of year when we can no longer justify eating pumpkin pie for breakfast, drinking until our significant others are hot, and we’ve cried salty tears into our holiday decoration storage bins, it’s time to reform our gluttonous ways. Who’s with me? Can I get a virtual high five? As if Dry January weren’t depressing enough, this involves taking any food with flavor and replacing it with things that make us want to step in front of a moving train. Without further ado, I’ll be sharing my five favorites. Feel free to share yours in the comments section:

  1. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Pizza

 Carve out a zucchini – the green one, not the yellow one, although both would work in a pinch as neither has any flavor – fill it with marinara sauce and a shit ton of cheese. And when I say “shit ton,” I really mean a metric fuck ton, because this thing is about as flavorful as the bottom of your sad Croc. Top it with any other veggies to ensure that you’re getting all your vitamins and have filled your sadness quota. Put that pepperoni away, you naughty boy. That’s for people who don’t have a built-in pool float. Enjoy!

Top Comments:

“I can’t believe it’s not pizza … because it’s not fucking pizza. There aren’t enough antidepressants in the world.”

“I like to use fat free cheese because I hate my life.”

“Tastes like sadness and the unemployment line.”

  1. Spiced Cauliflower Rice

Take Trader Joe’s cauliflower rice and empty your cupboards of anything spicy. Plenty of Indian flavors will do, but don’t forget to overload it with red pepper flakes and sriracha sauce. The goal is to burn your taste buds past the point of taste recognition. Top with scallions, parsley, and bodily sweat.

Top Comments:

“Can I substitute brussel sprouts? It just feels like the lesser of two evils.”

“I make this all the time. I now have a speech impediment due to repeated tongue burns but, you know, no pain, no gain (or loss!).”

“This is just one of the things you have to go through in life, like divorce and colorectal exams.”

  1. Lettuce Tacos

Simply shun those delicious tortillas or corn hard shells and place your fixins inside a piece of lettuce. Make sure to wash your lettuce repeatedly, as there is a very good chance you’ll get Shigella or E. coli from it, but catching your poop in a Tupperware container and taking it to the doctor is kind of an adventure, don’t you agree? Plus, think of all that extra weight loss. Don’t forget to pair this with a sparkling water, as Margaritas are for fat and happy people.

Top Comments:

“I feel like there is a better alternative. Like a cocaine habit?”

“Why is life so awful?”

“Taco Tuesday is now officially ‘Hide Your Razorblades’ Tuesday.”

  1. Black Bean Brownies

What?! I know, right? I didn’t believe it either but you can actually replace flour with one cup of black bean puree. Mind blown. It tastes nothing like real brownies and you’ll be very unpopular in closed quarters but you’ll be so, so skinny.

Top Comments:

“I’m a Russian troll but I just wanted to say NYET to this. NYET NYET NYET.”

“I’m already afraid to fart at work. I don’t need to add fuel to this fire.”

 “Can I add guacamole?”

  1. Cucumber Sandwiches

You thought I meant those delicious appetizers with pumpernickel bread, cream cheese, cucumbers, and a pleasant amount of dill, didn’t you? Silly you! Step away from the carbs, you fat bastard. This is a sandwich in which the cucumber IS the bread. You can even toast the cucumber so the edges get a little crispy and the seeds look like little potato bugs. Yum! Use the extra cucumbers to take the swelling down from overdoing it on Aunt Junie’s festive shot luge. Sigh, those were the days.

Top Comments:

“I didn’t think it could get worse than black bean brownies but this takes the cake. Bye, cake.’

“Ya know what, being fat isn’t so bad.”

 “Would you rather eat this or eat a booger from a person with a bad cold? It’s a photo finish for me.”

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