5 “Treats” To Avoid Handing Out This Halloween

Halloween is just around the corner and, while it’s really for the kids, adults can enjoy this raucous holiday, too. You throw your kids in a stroller and your favorite spiked beverage in a coffee cup and mill about the neighborhood breathing in the crisp, fall air. Let’s face it, though—one bum treat as you make the rounds and it can really put a damper on the festivities. Not all Halloween candy is created equal, and we’ve shared 5 categories to avoid when it comes to handing out treats this Halloween:

Homemade Shit

We saw Pussy VonFuzzyBottom and her furry brother Harry HighTail in the window. We know there’s a good chance we’re getting some cat fur in your nasty homemade concoction, and you likely lick the spoon to boot. If I’m hesitant to eat my own mom’s homemade crap, what do you think I’m going to do with yours? It’s a nice thought but just head to Target like everybody else, k?

Lame Shit

Homemade shit can also be categorized here but there are plenty of other things. Keep your goddamn raisins to yourself, as they are a scourge on humanity and an even bigger one on cookies. Those dum dums you got while getting your haircut can also take a gigantic hike. While we’re at it, you can hold on to those Mounds, as coconut is the redheaded stepchild of sweets. If I wanted my child to be exposed to candy that tastes like tiny pieces of paper I’d shove his head in a shredder. And if you dare bring out that lame loot from the Dollar Store, you can expect a flaming bag of my dog’s crap on your porch the next morning. The “trick” part is just for kicks. Now give my kid his effing treat.

Pinterest Shit

You’re super crafty and would love to do nothing more than roam the aisle at your local Hobby Lobby for hours on end. Yay, you! You must consider that many of us moms who are out there schlepping our mini ghouls and goblins are—ahem—NOT. Don’t make us look like dicks by handing out your caramel apples that have been crafted to look like ghosts (BTW, these are also to be filed under “Homemade Shit”).

Gigantic Shit

We see you, 50-year-old man with your bajillion dollar sports car, and we know you have a tiny penis for which you need to compensate. But you do not need to get out your CostCo card and buy the gigantic candy bars just to impress us. We have one (albeit hyphenated) word for you, k, Pops? And that’s “fun-sized”. Many of us like to tell our kids things like, “You can have 5 treats but that’s it.” You see where that gets us if you shoot the wad, right? So just stop it. 

Healthy Shit

We get it. America has a teensy weensy problem with obesity. This is one day of the year, people. ONE FREAKING DAY! Let’s take back Halloween. I don’t care that you’ve made your apple slices to look like scary fucking mouths. Fruits and veggies can have the other 364 days of the year. Pony up the good shit and shove those gluten-free, sodium-free, trans-fat-free, MSG-free, TASTE-FREE treats up your tightly toned ass. And put those nuts away. Are you trying to kill us? See also: RAISINS.

Oh, hell no!

Oh, hell no!

What is your pet peeve when it comes to Halloween?

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  1. shannon5757 says:

    “You see where that gets us if you shoot the wad, right?” I just LOL’d all over my keyboard. High-f*cking-larious!!

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