7 Things I Learned From Watching Last Night’s Episode of The Bachelorette

bachelorette kaitlyn shawn

Well, well, well … who knew our lil’ miss Kaitlyn would reveal herself to be Whorrey McHarlot? She’s been spreading her saliva and other bodily fluids around at a record pace this season, and it’s left everyone–including us–scratching our heads. You see, Hester Prynne du Bachelorette does more than dabble in some off-camera shenanigans and has apparently let all the men believe they are going to be the one to put the lid on her Mt. Vesuvius-like hormones. Tsk…tsk…tsk… who is behind this? Could it be … SATAN? Or the editors at ABC? Actually, those are like one and the same. Until we get our answers, I’ll share 7 things I learned from last night’s episode of The Bachelorette (I usually share 10 but this season is shockingly lame):

1. While the fashion trends of other seasons have favored neon wife-beaters and pastel hoodies, this is apparently the season of the crazy socks.

2. Of the 2 hours of show time last night, I think we watched about 1 hour and 57 minutes of Shawn stewing in his own juices (which is apparently a concoction of blonde highlights, self-tanner and just a tad too much testosterone).

3. And the worst line of the season goes to J.J., who said while on a date in Ireland, “In the home of Bono, I wanted U2 know how much you mean to me.” NOPE. Nice try, Infidel.

4. Speaking of J.J., did anyone hear Kaitlyn refer to him as “edgy” when talking about their impending date? Edgy? This is the guy who admitted to listening to show tunes 24/7, right?

5. Does anyone else think it’s weird that no one has figured out that Kaitlyn and Nick played hide the pickle? I’ve seen more intuition from a pile of bait worms.

6. Guilt is a funny thing. Despite the cluelessness of the guys, it’s apparent that Kaitlyn is imploding and, according to the previews, decides to confess her sins on next week’s episodes. It should be good, as dudes crying is always uncomfortably entertaining.

7. We have a winner for the coldest ditching session in the show’s storied history. Even meaner than when Ali left Kasey Kahl on a mountaintop despite his promise to “guard and protect” her heart, Kaitlyn flew Cupcake to the majestic Cliffs of Moher to dump him within minutes. “I don’t think she knows what she wants,” he said to the cameras in between crying jags. We know what she wants, Cupcake, and it’s more Nick dick. Sorry.

 

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Comments

  1. Michael Noble says:

    “We know what she wants … and it’s more Nick dick …”

    Subtle to the last, Marnie. Boom.

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