The NextDoor App. Sorry to date myself, but this is the technical version of Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched. It’s every nosy neighbor’s wet dream. It’s carte blanche to be over-involved in one another’s lives and people are eating this up like it’s a hot fudge on a goddamned Twinkie.
“Just trying to be helpful!” one woman exclaims, while taking a photo of her neighbor’s dog poop before the steam has a chance to rise. Sure you are, Karen. Sure you are. No matter where you live, you’ve surely seen the same tired scenarios played out time and time again.
Scenario 1
Thinly Veiled Racism
Guys, I saw this Hispanic man in our neighborhood. He was well dressed, on public property, and minding his own business but BE CAREFUL!
Karen: Absolutely Terrifying! Glad you’re okay!
Chad: JFC, what next? A synagogue on every corner? Thanks for the heads up, brah!
Scenario 2
When Bear Grylls is Your Neighbor
I got this video footage of the extremely elusive Stoat Weasel (Mustela ermine for us Science nerds) going through my garbage. Just look at his little claws. The way he goes after my leftover sandwich. It’s almost tender, isn’t it? It’s breathtaking, really. It’s mating season so I can only hope I’ll have footage of little weasels to show everyone soon. Make sure to credit me if you decide to share this incredible video.
Karen: Seriously amazing! And all I get over here are raccoons. How did you get so lucky?
Chad: Yeah, bro! That’s some awesome NatGeo shit right there!
Scenario 3:
Not in Our Neighborhood!
Guys, Mike here – just a heads up. I saw cops pulling speeders over on 5th and Vine. Be on the lookout!
Karen: Shut up, Mike! Why are you warning people? Just last week, I saw a decapitated head on the side of that intersection and here you are warning people about the cops! Let them do their jobs!
Chad: Thanks, bro. I thought I smelled bacon (50 emojis ensue).
Scenario 4:
This Ain’t No She Shed Shit
Oh, heyyyyyyy
Hey, All! I need a handyman. He needs to be able to be okay with extreme heights and dangerous dogs on site, and he should also know his way around gopher-termination devices. $7/hour
Karen: What a great opportunity! My son just got out of prison (petty stuff – don’t worry). PM me your info!
Chad: Throw in a six pack of White Claw and I’m your dude!
Scenario 5:
Buyer Beware – Like, Seriously Beware
For Sale! Lightly used mattress. My 15-year-old cat died on it and I just can’t bear to keep it around anymore. The stain looks like blood but I promise it’s not. No bad smells!
Karen: My son just got out of prison (petty stuff) and is living in my basement (totally finished, btw – gorgeous) and will likely be interested. I’ll be in touch!
Chad: Hard pass, bro. Hard pass.
Scenario 6:
The Descent Into the “Have You Seen My Cat?” Abyss
Oh my gosh, everyone. I’m completely panicked. My inside-only cat got outside today when I opened the door for the Amazon delivery guy. I’ve had him for 11 years and adore him. His name is Harry and I’ve attached a photo. Please help!
Karen: You opened the door for the Amazon delivery guy?! What kind of depraved lunatic are you? Your cat is surely in the belly of a coyote at this point. It serves you right for being an irresponsible cat owner.*
Chad: Brahhhhhhhh.
*Unbeknownst to Karen, her basement-dwelling son is currently declawing the cat for his own enjoyment.
Scenario 7:
Misplaced Outrage FTW
I just saw someone dropping off alcohol at a neighbor’s house and I know for a fact this neighbor rents his place out to college kids. I mean, alcohol gets delivered now?! The end is nigh! I should call the cops, right?
Karen: Absolutely call the cops! Sounds like an orgy is about to go down and you don’t want that on your conscience!
Chad: What’d you say that address was?
Scenario 8:
Olfactory Outrage is Real
Okay, guys, I feel weird even complaining about this but I have to ask – has anyone smelled that odor on the west end of town? Like a rancid tuna-meets-garbage-meets-a-
Karen: I don’t want to imply anything but that is where Hispanics have been known to wait to pick up jobs in town (Spoiler Alert: The smell was caused by Karen’s son).
Chad: Sounds like an ex-girlfriend of mine. Boom! (more inane emojis)*
*Karen reports Chad. Chad gets thrown off NextDoor.
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