8 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelor”

Ahhhh…the “Meet the Family” episode of The Bachelor. It’s usually my favorite, as it’s chalk-full of more cringeworthy moments than a Trump rally. Last night’s episode, however, left me completely unenthused. Don’t get me wrong – these people were weird, alright. Just not fun weird, and therein lies the problem. Either way, here are 8 things I learned from last night’s episode of The Bachelor:

Lauren B. and Ben Higgins. Photo: Levy Moroshan/ABC

Lauren B. and Ben Higgins. Photo: Levy Moroshan/ABC

1. The obligatory running-on-the-beach scene with Amanda’s kids was as awkward as everyone could have imagined. Any mom who’s ever taken kids that age to the beach knew the meltdown was coming. She should have just exclaimed before getting in the car, “Shit’s about to get rrrrrrrreal up in here.” You add in a car poop and a few punches to the face and that would have been a typical ride home from the beach for us. Poor Ben looked like a deer caught in headlights. Or a single guy involved with a single mom. Same thing.

2. Not to be mean (ha ha!) but who made that shirt Amanda wore to the beach? Is there a sister store to Forever 21 called 22, Married, Single, and Desperate?

3. JoJo’s brothers – while completely creepy and possibly incest-lovers – could easily land a job as the cavemen in those Geico commercials. They accused Ben of brainwashing these girls, which could be true because they all seem to find him – gasp – captivating.

4. Awww, JoJo – don’t feel bad. Every girl has sent herself flowers at one point or another.

5. When Ben picked Caila up in the toy factory and carried her out in his arms a la Officer and a Gentleman, a part of all of us died inside.

6. I need a whiskey library within walking distance. That place was amazing. Did anyone catch Lauren calling it a “whiskey LIBARY.” Awww, that’s cute. Now, shhh… Just stand there and smile.

7. When Ben cried to Lauren’s sister, some of you may have said, “Awww.” The rest of us wanted to punch him where his balls should be.

8. Caila’s dad – with his Ramen noodles for hair and carrot-orange pants – was as weird as they come. She’s fortunate that the apple of genetics rolled far away from that super creepy tree.

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