8 Things I Learned From Watching Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelorette”


Guys, I’m dying here. This season of The Bachelorette is slowly killing my spirit, especially since I touted beforehand that this would most certainly be the best season yet. Fuck you, Chris Harrison, and your empty promises. I haven’t been this disappointed in a show since The Sopranos finale. Bading badaboom-just go away now, Kaitlyn. You and your overused vagina are aboot to make me cry tears of pure and utter disappointment ‚Ķ which probably taste like Bud Light Lime. I mainly played Words With Friends while drinking copious amounts of cheap wine while watching but, if you’re interested, here are a few of my takeaways during last night’s show:

1. Shawn apparently went all Neanderthal on us and bragged to Nick about being Eskimo Brothers with some famous country star because he slept with the same chick but, of course, took the time to note that he was first. He’s too classy for sloppy seconds (oh, wait). As if that weren’t bad enough, Nick the Dick told Kaitlyn that he said that, so the amount of bro codes being broken here is simply ass-tronomical (see what I did there?).

2. Peter Brady look-alike Ben was so Beaver Cleaver in his description of what was going to happen in the fantasy suite (talking all night long) that Kaitlyn had the nerve to ask him if he was still holding on to his V-card. Ben, Chris Harrison has your balls and says you can collect those before the Men Tell All episode.

3. Most cringeworthy quote of the night goes to Gomer-Joe, who said, “I’m in love with you, babe” before giving us entirely way too much side tongue action. Kaitlyn called that “flattering,” which is the epitome of emasculation. Joe, you can collect your balls at the “Men Tell All” episode, too.

4. Funniest (read: most awkward) question of the night went to Kaitlyn, who asked Peter Brady if she seemed like “wife material”. Uh. Um. Well. Gee. If by “wife material” you mean the skanky chick I’d date right up until my wife, then yes.

5. Funniest quote of the night was from Shawn who, fully knowing this was going to be heard, said in the bathroom, “I’m so tense right now I can’t even piss.” Shawny Boy, if ¬†finding out that Kaitlyn boned another dude was that shocking to you, urine trouble. BAM!

6. What was even funnier about Shawn ultimately accepting Kaitlyn’s apology for falling on Nick’s pickle was that he said he would “man up” and move on. Does he think “man up” means taking one up the buttholio?

7. Britt and Brady got some more camera time as the credits rolled, revealing they’re giving their long-distance relationship a shot. It could work, right? I, personally, think the idea of rejected-Bachelorette-meets-metrosexual-singer-eternal-friend-zone thing could work. Just call me a fool for love.

8. Poor Jared. Not only did he get the ole heave-ho last night but he also offered Kaitlyn his coat while she walked him to the limo ride of doom. Next thing you know, he’ll be holding her shoes. At least he has the same name as that famous guy from the Subway commercials. Oh, wait…

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