9 Things I Learned From Last Night’s Episode of “The Bachelor”

Er. Mah. Gerd. The Bachelor is heating up despite Ben being about as edgy as a cotton ball due to the women going FULL CRAY. We’re talking stage five clingers here, folks. Here were my nine takeaways from last night’s doozy of an episode. What were yours?

Ben Higgins

1. If you chose to drink every time anyone said “amazing” or “connection” or “amazing connection” last night, you’ll be sicker than that time you thought it would be fun to drink an entire bottle of Boone’s Farm.

2. This is Olivia. Olivia is batshit crazy. Olivia doesn’t see the world the way Ben does. Olivia doesn’t see the world the way anyone does. Olivia can’t dance. Olivia loves to talk about Olivia in the third person, making everyone want to punch her in the vagina. Olivia might have dead people in her trunk. Don’t be like Olivia. Or do. But expect me to make fun of you. Ruthlessly.

3. I do think the twins are as sweet as pie but it’s eerie watching them morph into one person, including their weird simultaneous treadmill workout. Things are going to take a dark Lifetime network show turn when Haley shows up and kills Emily and becomes Emily for the rest of the show while the viewers (and Ben) are none the wiser. They’ll find her shaking and holding herself in the corner while murmuring “We’re in it to twin it.”

4. Did anyone else feel like Ben was throwing up a Hail Mary when he announced he was choosing Emily but didn’t look at either of them, as he didn’t know which one was Emily?

5. The only thing that was more uncomfortable than watching Olivia’s “cringe-worthy” performance in red underpants was watching that super crazy smile she pasted on as Ben gave her the last rose, announcing with disdain that this was her “participation metal”. This chick is unraveling faster than a tampon on a heavy flow day. If you run into Olivia in a dark alley, run. Don’t walk … in the other direction. She will strangle you with her feather boa.

6. The meanest thing ABC does every season is to make sure the girls can see the fireworks from the bachelor’s date so everyone knows that, somewhere, he’s making out with someone while they’re all watching like icky voyeurs. And I love it.

7. Just hearing Ben utter the words “sex panther” made me laugh. Awww. That’s cute.

8. Does anyone else imagine Jubilee and Ben together in the bedroom, her throwing him over her knee and spanking him like the little bitch that he is? No? Just me? Okay, carry on then.

9. When Lauren announced during the talent show that she has no talents, the world yawned. Her bland blandness will prevail in the end and she and Ben will go on to have cute little Baby Blands.

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