A Two-Pronged Rant For the Holiday Season

ecard christmas

Repeat this after me, with your teeth clenched tightly.

It’s the holidays, bitches! We’re fucking happy, right? Right? Every holiday season I see something that makes me realize that, although this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, people are at their Archie Bunker-est. As my friends on Facebook know, I saw it firsthand in the Costco parking lot the other day. After an hour-long trip to buy gift cards for teachers, mountains of baby wipes, and enough food to sustain us through a nuclear war, I had finally made it to the parking lot. The home stretch, folks! We had no more gotten to the car when my oldest son got bonked on the head with the car door next to us. As I was tending to him, younger dude decided it was fitting for him to direct traffic (what can I say? I’ve never said they weren’t nutballs). It’s Christmas time, mind you, so someone was bound to lend a helping hand, right? Ya know, pay it forward. In actuality, the woman about five cars down started yelling at me to put my kids in the car. So if we’re sticking with this whole paying it forward thing, what do I do now? Light a bag of my dog’s shit on fire and put it on a neighbor’s porch? Tell some lady in the mall she’s too fat to wear jeggings? Sweep the legs of the elderly woman trying to cross the street? Where are these people who are supposedly buying other people coffee at Starbuck’s? Why do I NEVER see them? Elf on the Shelf, my a$$. The people I’ve encountered need a come-to-Santa moment, if you get my drift. Hey lady, next time — instead of offering me unsolicited parenting advice — how about your walk your nosy, opinionated ass the length of five cars to help me? Now there’s an idea.

My royal rant…

Okay, so I know that many people eat, breathe, and would smoke the British Royal Family like they’re some hard-hitting crack if they could, but I’ve never really gotten the hype (besides Harry, of course, because he’s just funny). I mean, what is that they DO do? (I said do-do, btw). Hey, ya know what? We’ve got those right here in the U.S. and they’re called the Kardashians. They do nothing and people love them. Love them! And our Kim’s ass would totally win in a fight with Pippa’s. But I digress. I’ve been too scared to make fun of the Duchess for being hospitalized for morning sickness, lest I get attacked by one of the rabid fans. But then one of my friends gave me the opening on Facebook yesterday (thank you, Colleen), and I’ve never been one to turn down a gift. You wanna know who else has really bad morning sickness? The rest of the fucking women who get pregnant. Do we get hospitalized for it and roses and car service? No. We get to pick up our dog’s crap just like it’s every other day and change our other child’s shitty diapers while we’re trying to keep down last night’s dinner of saltines and ginger ale. Do we hunker down at Buckingham Palace while others wait on us hand and foot? No. We go to work and try not to vomit on anyone’s shoes. So let’s just calm the hell down, stop guessing royal baby names, and get back to taking out our holiday stress on those around us? There, I said it.

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Comments

  1. MissDivaBeth says:

    Rant 1 – DUH, people can be SOOOO freakning cruel and judgmental, I’ve had it happen to me, and I’ve on rare occasions been the judgmental one. Me, I’d likely have yelled “hey ya wanna take ’em for a week?”

    Rant 2 – I’m pretty sure the Duchess of York would much rather NOT have had her pregnancy outed this way. I actually feel sad for her in this case. My sister had a neighbor who had the same condition that Kate does, and she was sick like that with ALL her babies for most of the nine months, and I think she had 4 of them!!! It is a dangerous condition because the severe dehydration that can happen with it is not only dangerous to the mom, but to the baby as well.

    I guess what I’m saying is, cut the poor duchess some slack, she didn’t ask for all the press. OK she knew going into marrying a man in line for the throne would be brutal, but some stuff should just be held a bit more sacred, and babies are sacred in my book!

    Just my 5 cents worth :)

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