Are You a Foodie, an Eatie, Or None of the Above?

I was going to start this blog post by saying I’m a “foodie,” but I once saw someone who considered herself a foodie go into a near freakish rage when she saw the term being misused. This is how it’s defined by Urban Dictionary:

foodie: A person that spends a keen amount of attention and energy on knowing the ingredients of food, the proper preparation of food, and finds great enjoyment in top-notch ingredients and exemplary preparation.

Okay, so that’s not me. I’m glad I looked that up. I love to eat but I’m not a stickler about the ingredients. So I guess I’m an “eatie”. I’ve always been this way. I definitely think it’s how you’re raised to a certain extent. We have one of those families who spent just as much time packing our food for our super long road trips on spring break as we did our clothes. Sandwiches? Check. Chips? Check. Assortment of Hostess products. Fuck. Yes.

The thing is — I’m always hungry. Like always. It’s actually not cool, as I hate that feeling. It’s funny because I love to work out and I’m pretty physically fit, so my husband once told me he thought I should try out for Survivor. I could handle any mental or physical challenge they threw my way, but I told him I know I wouldn’t survive without food. And beetles and wild boar clumsily roasted over a fire would not work. I’d probably punch someone in the penis out of insanity hunger. I might even try to eat them, as I’m sure I’d be seeing all of the fellow contestants as giant turkey legs and plates of pasta after about two days.

In my single days, if a date mentioned how much I ate while out to dinner, there was no date #2. In the words of Liz Lemon, that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.

I love when people tell me that they don’t have time to eat — like new moms who get super skinny and say, “Ha ha, I’m not even working out, ha ha, I just don’t have time to eat. Little Jimmy and Susie keep me so busy.” Let me tell you — Jimmy and Susie can wait when this mama is hungry. It’s kind of like when you’re on an airplane and they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help your child. That is me when I’m hungry.

“But, Mom, we’re hungry, too. Can we have some of that grilled cheese?”

“Silence, minions, mama hasn’t eaten in two hours!”

Okay, it might not be exactly like that but you get what I’m saying…

Don’t even get me started on when I was nursing. I know they say that you have to eat more when you’re nursing anyway because your body is burning all those extra calories, but I honestly ate like Michael Phelps when he was training for the Olympics. I’d be downing my 17th pancake for breakfast and catch my husband looking at me like he was scared. Truly frightened. “What are you looking at, bitch!?” I’d say in my best Jesse Pinkman voice. Just don’t get in my way. I will EAT you.

scary zombie
Get in my belly!

I once traveled with a friend through Europe, and she was definitely not an “eatie”. She was the farthest thing from an eatie there is…one of those girls who forgets to eat. I loathe them. Needless to say, I was miserable. The only city I was able to get her to eat in was Amsterdam, so you can read between the Snoop Dogg lines there. Hmmm…KFC.

And here’s the kicker — I’m not a big fan of healthy food. Look, I don’t wanna be on The Biggest Loser so I work out like crazy and I do watch what I eat to a certain extent. But 10 times out of 10 when it comes to the “Eat This, Not That” segments, I want that. That, that, that, dammit! Oh, a double-fried chimichanga versus a little grilled fish taco sans cheese? HA HA HA! Don’t even make me laugh! Apples and oranges, people. Apples and pizza, really. And I love those people who go out to dinner and pass on the bread. They might not say anything as I slather mine in six pounds of butter and then dip it in oil, but I know what they’re thinking. Smug non-eatie bastards. I hate those people!

So there you have it — I’m an eatie. What about you?

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  1. Elisabeth Klos says:

    I am an Eatie too!! I can relate to everything…unfortunately. I have a friend who always comes over around lunch time and just pecks at little scraps of her kid’s PBJ for her lunch. I am always irritated because I really need and want a REAL lunch with a full sandwich, some chips, and hopefully a dessert. I always want dessert and I hate those people who “just don’t like sweets” either.

  2. Shannon5757 says:

    RE: to Elisabeth…. “and I hate those people who “just don’t like sweets”. Those people are THE.WORST.

    Almost as annoying as people who say they “like giving more than receiving” at Christmas. I call bullshit on that one, too….

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