Bachelor In Paradise Penultimate Episode: Stupidity Runs Rampant

It’s hard to look for a theme on BIP each week other than blatant debauchery and ridonkulous drama but this week’s theme bitch-slapped me silly. It’s become quite clear that the cumulative IQ of the entire cast is 4. Lacey revealed herself to have the smarts of a sea sponge and the style sense of a color blind hooker. The editors took no mercy on her porous brain either, choosing not to edit out her inability to say “stalagmites.” Then, as she and Marcus wandered the beaches of Tulum (and we all hoped a giant land shark would come and end the misery that is Mar-cey), she said the beauty of the place was “so natural and nature.” She might not have the smarts but she has a bright future doing voiceovers for Disney.

Brooks hit the island in all his goofiness, leaving Sarah perplexed as to who she should choose. One might even say she was stumped (sorry, had to). After nearly tossing Robert aside like yesterday’s condom-filled garbage, she was brought to her senses by a super sweet gesture on his part. “That’s my bay,” Robert said to Brooks as we all died a little inside, uncomfortably marking his territory. “That’s my baby,” he clarified, in case we didn’t recognize his super creepy pseudonym.

Michelle Money was in rare form, and we saw the emergence of her super slutty alter-ego, Whorey McReachAround. One minute, she was admonishing Cody for rushing into things and subtly trying to end things. The next minute, she was telling him she was going to tear him up on the beach. “Don’t talk crazy,” she said to Cody. Is there any other way to talk to someone who is clearly imbalanced? All it took was one nice comment from Tasos and instead of “tossing the sos,” as she put it, she was likely tossing the salad.

Let’s just cut to the chase of the blatant stupidity by some of the other folks here. Lest you missed it, when Robin Williams died, AshLee tweeted, “In lieu of Robin Williams dying…” and then posted the 800# for the suicide prevent line. Girlfriend is gorgeous but there’s no one home between the ears, and she’s got the fucking crazy eyes to boot. Last night, she was furious that Graham (read: she) didn’t get the date card, and took a second to address the “ungratitude” of those who run the show. Ungratitude! As if her malapropisms weren’t cringeworthy enough, we have Zach, who looks deeply into Jackie’s eyes, and we think he’s about to say something truly meaningful. “I’m into you,” he said, showing no sign that he’s a vapid pile of overly tanned muscles. He went on to say that their date was “romantical.” I. Just. Can’t. Even. When Kristy makes the whole cast look idiotic by coming up with the word “misogynistic,” it’s a sad, sad day.

I've got this.

I’ve got this.

Photo credit: ABC/Francisco Roman via Wetpaint

Last but NEVER LEAST is the Kovacs. Never have we ever seen a person more disillusioned, and this is BIP, for cripe’s sake! Wearing a jacket that was a cross between Miami Vice and Weekend at Bernie’s, he decided that, despite being kicked to the curb, he won the show. “They’ll probably cheers to me,” he said of the remaining cast during the car ride of doom. He then said he’ll probably have like 16 email invitations to all the greatest BIP parties in history because, you know, Y.O.P.O. Even after the girls surrounded the car like a pack of rabid wolves pouncing on a delusional bunny, he maintained, “I still feel like I won.” There’s a song for you Jesse, and it’s Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best”. You’re better than all the rest (and don’t you forget it; although I doubt you will).

Sounds like we have a major curve ball coming next week. Will one couple be forced to marry through some devious contract loophole? Will there be an orgy? Will they be forced to kill one another a la Hunger Games while Chris Bukowski pulls the strings as Head Gamemaker? Only time will tell, but it’s sure to be a doozie.

 

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