12 Things I Learned From Last Night’s “Bachelor in Paradise”: Clare is Ancient

Cuckoo Clan

Cuckoo Clan

Bachelor in Paradise continues to exceed my every expectation in the Mindless TV category. Only The Walking Dead might compare in its ability to clench my butt cheeks, but zombies are a lot less scary than Clare Crawley after she’s been rejected. Shivers. Below are 12 things I took away from last night’s uber juicy episode:

1. Watching this show when you’re–ahem–39 is majorly depressing, as these folks consider Clare to be a fossil at 34. They are ready to put that chick in a mausoleum. As Ashley I. said in all her insane, snot-filled glory, Clare’s eggs “are nearly dead.” Mikey did the mental math (which had to have been excruciating for his pea brain) on what the Jared age difference would mean for him, exclaiming, “That would mean I’d be dating a 40-year-old right now, are you kidding me? I’d rather jerk off every night.” I can only imagine that if I were to walk onto the beach in Playa Escondida, someone would inevitably say, “Who invited their mom?” Fuckers.

2. Speaking of Clare having one foot in the grave, the most cringe-worthy line of the night was when Jared pointed out her being eight years older than him, but followed that up with, “But you look great.” If that were me, his balls would have been in a vice faster than he could say, “menopause.”

3. If Jared wrongs Ashley I. after what went down last night, Dude better sleep with one eye open. By the way, the best moment of the night was when Clare was talking about her date within earshot of Ashley, who yelled out, “What’s, uh, happening?” whilst picking her teeth.

4. The only thing less appealing than Mikey’s tighty blueys is that itty bitty man-pony. He stepped into first place for the most rejection in a single episode, and then was shown on camera letting out a seemingly infinite fart. He also took it up the bungholio from hillbilly Joe. Mikey, your self-esteem called to say, “Unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator, I won’t be back.”

5. Nothing says, “I fight like a little bitch” more than Joe bragging about how he’d go all Kentucky on Mikey’s ass and beat him with his brass knuckles. At least break out the nunchucks, brah. He upped the psycho ante by saying of Jonathan, “I would break his f—ing jaw and beat the f—ing pulp out of his f—ing brains, I swear to God. I won’t stop until his brains are coming out of his ears, I swear to you.” Out of the depths of a trailer park has arisen a new, smelly, and seemingly sociopathic villain.

6. The second most cringe-worthy line of the night goes to new cast member Michael G. who said shortly after arriving on Herpes Island, “Her name is Tenley, but she’s an Elevenly.” She subsequently called him “super-special.” Sit down, Son. Diabetic lawyer or not–you’ve just been friend-zoned.

7. What’s with these women and Jared? Ashley I. said he looks like Aladdin and Clare said he looks like “Superman”. To me, he looks like a midget Zorro. Shave the chops, Dude.

8. Note to Clare. When you start a sentence with “Every year, on Bachelor in Paradise…” you deserve all the shitty shit you get. It’s time to move along now, Honey. Maybe Real World, Nursing Home is casting. Burn!

9. Okay, okay, I know the cast loves and defends Juelia (whose name is spelled WRONG, by the way) due to her past but, come on–is there something wonky with her or what? She seems like she’s been on a cocktail of vodka, Percocet, and inherent stupidity for too long.

10. I didn’t know the cast members sit around dissing each other and farting in the presence of ABC producers. Hmmm…the more you know.

11. Awww … Ashley S. has found love with a guy who I refer to as “The Plant,” as I’m positive that dude was never on this show before. It’s super cute but I wonder what will happen when she figures out he’s a human being and not a palm tree as she had previously believed.

12. If anyone believes that Joshua has only done Molly “that one time,” I’ve got some gorgeous property along Colorado’s Animas River that I’d love to sell you.

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  1. Amy Morgan says:

    WORD. I, too, am 39. BIP is part depressing, part feeling better about my level of crazy. (Which seems nonexistent in comparison to these children.)
    “Real World Nursing Home”: that’s gold. According to the BIPers, you and I should be checking in there about now.
    Love this recap! Excellent!

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