Breastfeeding in Public: Tits About To Get Real Up In Here

breastfeeding meme

P.S. Go hooter hiders!

Oh man. I hemmed and hawed about doing this. HEMMED and HAWED. Is there a more polarizing topic of motherhood than breastfeeding? Those who staunchly believe in it tend to look down upon those who don’t even try it, or those who give up too easily. And those who choose not to hate the guilt they feel for not nursing. It’s an impossible situation. While most people believe that it should be up to the mother’s discretion, there are a lot of judgmental people who drop their opinions on the topic like a bomb. It’s hard enough to raise a child who is constantly crying and needing all of your attention, 24/7, but then you’ve got to deal with the opinions of the masses. While the benefits of breastfeeding are indisputable, the mental health of the mother should trump all, no? We do our best. I breastfed my first son for six months and my second son for 14 months. That’s what worked for me. Sure, I would have liked to have cut the second guy off a lot sooner than that but he wouldn’t take a bottle. What can I say? He’s a boob guy.

Here’s the thing — almost every day I write about these kinds of things for the “moms” section of the website I write for, and this shit is getting out of hand. Yesterday, I wrote about a mom who tandem nurses. Tandem nursing is super cool…when you have twins! This woman, however, feeds her 7-month-old on one boob, while she allows her three-year-old and five-year-old to take turns on the other booby. I’m supposed to write without opinion, even while she’s quoted as saying she wants to “normalize” this for other moms. I’m about to drop a judgment here, folks. Are you ready for it? That’s fucking whack. WHACK! And your kids on the fast track to Whacky Town, too, lady. She was delighted to report that her kids like to tell her what the flavor of the day is, which ranged from chocolate milk to strawberry milk and white milk with sugar added to it. No! Just no! Shut that shit DOWN! You are not a 7 Eleven and this isn’t free slushy day. Please, for the love of raising well adjusted kids, SHUT IT DOWN! If they’re old enough to ask for it while they’re riding a bike and reading a book, it’s time to shut it down. I’m not saying he’s going to give his teacher a titty twister at school but he’s bound to have a screw loose up there. At five years old, “T” is for t-ball!

On to breastfeeding in public. Is it so wrong that I think hooter hiders should be mandatory? I know it’s “nature’s nectar” and I do believe that with all my heart. But do we all have to look at your pepperoni nipples when you decide Junior wants a sip while you’re riding the bus? PEPPERONI, people. Large ones! That’s what they look like. Nature is an amazing thing, and it’s super duper cool what your body does to be able to make milk for your baby, but even we moms probably don’t want to see that. I can appreciate a nice, perky boob (though I barely remember what they look like). I get why guys think they’re neato. But the nursing boob is not that. It’s just not. As Chris Rock said of Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl NippleGate incident, “Janet [Jackson] done lost her damn mind, whipping out a titty on a Sunday afternoon. A titty on a Sunday afternoon! 40-year-old titty? Your man’s titty! 20-year-old titty? Community titty!” The nursing boob is not a community titty, folks. Today, I wrote about outraged moms who want to grab their pitchforks and stage a sit-in because a woman was told it was “indecent” to nurse her boy while at a public pool. Oh, the humanity! Here’s the thing — the woman was IN THE POOL. Really, people! Kind of like texting, there have gotta be times when you say to yourself, “It can wait.” While at home, feel free to go full National Geographic. I know I let it all hang out while in my own humble abode. But in public, I’ve got two words for you: hooter hider.

Just my two cents. Feel free to weigh in.

Photo Source: My American Confessions Blog

 

 

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