5 Food Substitutions That Will Make You Sadder Than Turkey Bacon

Photo Cred: @tragicallyhere

New year, new you. Out with the old, in with the new. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. As we reach this ultra-depressing time of year when we can no longer justify eating pumpkin pie for breakfast, drinking until our significant others are hot, and we’ve cried salty tears into our holiday decoration storage bins, it’s time to reform our gluttonous ways. Who’s with me? Can I get a virtual high {Read More}

30 Facebook Buttons We’d Rather See Than “Dislike”

Facebook dislike

Much ado was made yesterday about the possibility of a “Dislike” button popping up on Facebook. I can tell you that many of us wish so-oo-oo-oo many other buttons would be given priority. I’ve shared 30 ideas we’d all prefer to see on Facebook more than the “dislike” button below: 1. Shut your piehole already. 2. Oh, the humblebrag again? Yawn. 3. Your food looks disgusting. 4. That’s amazeballs (NOT). 5. Stop saying “amazeballs” 6. Your mom 7. The Internet called to say, “SHUT THE {Read More}

If Dr. Seuss Were A Cranky, Overtired Mom With a Potty Mouth

Dr. Seuss hat

It was Ted Geisel week at my son’s school this past week. Oh yeah, that’s Dr. Seuss for all those who weren’t required to learn a fact about the famous author. I love that lyrical gangster as much as the next gal but never realized they made such a huge deal about him in school. I thought I’d give rhyming a whirl, Dr. Seuss-style … yet with my own demented, profanity-laced twist. If you’ve ever undergone a major battle getting {Read More}

I Think Costco Is Trying To Kill Me

Costco gif

I may have to break up with Costco. I know, I know, if you’ve been following my blog at all, I talk a lawt about this place, even going so far as to write it a love letter. Everything from the coupons to the bulk food to the free samples makes my nether region tingle with retail glee. But, more and more, I keep having run-ins with people like this beeyatch. I’m beginning to form a theory, and let me {Read More}


Hey, internet people. We’re all getting really fucking boring online these days, am-i-rite? I’m including myself in there, so don’t go getting your grunders asunder. It’s like we’re a bunch of robots interacting using the same Facebook.1 language or something. I’m up for an internet cleanse as much as the next girl because — you know — I can quit whenever I want to. I just don’t want to. So entertain me, please. As 2013 comes to a close, I {Read More}

Merry Fucking Pinteras

pinterest music ornaments

It’s that time of year, folks. The holidays are upon us, and I’m an unabashed holiday junkie. It used to be all about fun and frivolity and getting shitfaced while putting up your Christmas ornaments. And then some asshole invented Pinterest. And he recruited a bunch of Pinterest Assholes. And now we’re all supposed to be Martha Fucking Stewart. And the pressure is enough to make us all go apeshit on each other because we didn’t have time to wrap {Read More}

The Costco Lady: A Tale Of a Real-Life Grinch


It’s Halloween hangover time, and not just because the party we went to was serving jello shots for the adults. “There’s no alcohol in these things — they’re delicious!” said no one who has any sense at all (read: me). I love me some Halloween. Facebook is a colorful array of lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Face paint. Glow sticks. Crazy wigs. I love it all. And now starts the blink-and-you-missed-it-descent into the holidays. As many of my {Read More}

In Stupid Asshole News: People Are Sewing Patches On Their Tongues to Lose Weight

tongue patch for weight loss

It’s National Motherfucking Donut Day, people. Yes, that is the unofficial official name for it. In honor of that, I would like to write about a group of douchenozzles that give L.A. and “eaties” everywhere a bad name. I heard about this on the radio yesterday and had to look it up to see if it was true…it’s that ridonkulous. *Photo courtesy of Sweet Tater Blog Some asshat surgeon in Beverly Hills named Nikolas Chugay developed a patch that’s sewn {Read More}

Are You a Foodie, an Eatie, Or None of the Above?

I was going to start this blog post by saying I’m a “foodie,” but I once saw someone who considered herself a foodie go into a near freakish rage when she saw the term being misused. This is how it’s defined by Urban Dictionary: foodie: A person that spends a keen amount of attention and energy on knowing the ingredients of food, the proper preparation of food, and finds great enjoyment in top-notch ingredients and exemplary preparation. Okay, so that’s not {Read More}

5 Reasons I Want to Be a Celebu-Mom

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck

Celebu-moms. Bitches. Except, of course, Jennifer Garner, who is like so cool. I’m going to be her friend and, yes, I do realize that sounds scary. I’m coming for you, Jen-Jen! You’ll call me Marn-Marn, and we’ll eat Pinkberry while we talk about our kids’ report cards. Our hubs will be besties, too, right, Benny? I’ve got it all planned out, and it’s not creepy at all. Okay, maybe a little creepy, but… Mostly, though, I hate celebu-moms because I’m {Read More}