Why I’m Not Giving Up Complaining For Lent

bad days

Shhh … do you hear that? It’s the sound of sanctimony hitting Facebook in 3, 2, 1…Lent is coming, sinners! I kid, I kid, as I still believe in religion and its rites, rituals, and practices despite my current status as a fallen away Catholic. I’m floundering a bit or, I guess you could say, sans religion. But I’m still a big believer in God and spirituality and treating others as you’d like to be treated, so that ought to count {Read More}

Diary of Christmas Morning With Kids

boys_xmas-tree

4:45 You hear them stir in their beds and begin to giggle. You let one eye open to see what ungodly hour it is and threaten them with morning homework and de-pooping the yard if they don’t go back to bed. 5:15 More giggling. You know it’s Jesus’s birthday but only the anti-Christ would get up this early. “Five more minutes,” you yell, disgusted by the pathetic pleading sound you can hear in your own voice. You debate smothering your {Read More}

I’m Good at Love

dec-bday

My dad once asked me why I like to refer to myself as such a “hot mess mom” on here. “Isn’t that kind of embarrassing?” he asked. I guess it is but I’ve always been like this. Always. For better or worse, I am an open book. In graduate school, I have distinct memories of my supervisor (in my counseling psychology program) telling me, “Marnie, it’s okay to share some things about yourself, but you really don’t need to share {Read More}

Food, According to Kids

Gee, Doc, I'm not sure how that noodle got there...

You might have seen the story recently about the school in which teachers dared to throw away the food items they deemed “unhealthy”. “Oh, HELLLLLL NO,” many of us exclaimed while sitting at our computers in our pajama pants (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Do these people even know the daily struggle we go through to pack things that our kids will even eat? Do they!? THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. For those who don’t understand, here is a {Read More}

I Was Grabbed By The P*ssy, Mr. Trump, and I’m Forever Haunted

me

This, by far, will be the hardest piece I’ll ever write. Much harder even than my post on divorce. I am crying as I even begin to type it. I have never wanted to write about it until now for fear of the repercussions. What I’m talking about is assault and sexual harassment. I guess the reason I’ve been so afraid of writing about it until now is that I dared to sue my assailant years ago, and when I {Read More}

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Marnie.

Mama's Boys

Religion of the organized variety has been a sore subject for me for the past few years. I guess to explain why this is so I have to go into my background. I grew up Catholic, and pretty staunchly so. My parents didn’t try to scare me fire and brimstone style, but we rarely, if ever, missed mass. Of course, we went with wet hair and never got a seat because that’s just how my family has always rolled. We’ll {Read More}

Poop Water: A Story of Hot Tub Phobia

underwater

I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat. Well, a boat. Just one boat … anything to keep me from submerging. You see, I really enjoy being atop the water and water adjacent but, as summer comes to a close, I’ve decided to own that I have a pretty severe case of Hydrophobia, or fear of the water. When I was little, I would swim from morning until night, and would even complain when my mother would drag me out of {Read More}

Thank You Notes – Mother’s Day Edition

Kristen Bell meme

Have you ever seen Jimmy Fallon’s Thank You Notes? Well, I’ve decided I’d like to do a Mom’s edition in honor of Mother’s Day, with my tongue planted firmly in my wine-filled cheek. Join me, won’t you, in thanking all the things/people we have to deal with as mothers? Thank you to… Timehop – thanks for turning us mothers into a puddle of tears while trying to perform our daily tasks. It’s not embarrassing at all ugly crying at my desk {Read More}

Things The Elf on the Shelf Would Say

elf porn

It’s that time of year again. You find yourself in one of three camps as a parent: The No Elf Family (mad props, yo). The Reluctant Elf Family (forgets to move the damn thing every day; this is my camp). And the Balls-to-the-Wall Family. This post is for you ballers, as the things you do with that elf are astounding and, frankly, a little disturbing. And, you know what, if the Elf on the Shelf could talk, I think he’d have {Read More}

A Modern-Day Lesson From St. Nick

christmas1

It’s the holiday season, with lights all aglow We can feel it in every person we know.   With our spirits up but our energy spent We picked out a restaurant and off we went.   I couldn’t believe as we walked right on through, St. Nicholas, himself, was seated there, too.   No fancy red suit or his famous reindeer But we knew it was him, as he sat oh-so-near.   We whispered and pointed though we tried not to {Read More}