Things The Elf on the Shelf Would Say

elf porn

It’s that time of year again. You find yourself in one of three camps as a parent: The No Elf Family (mad props, yo). The Reluctant Elf Family (forgets to move the damn thing every day; this is my camp). And the Balls-to-the-Wall Family. This post is for you ballers, as the things you do with that elf are astounding and, frankly, a little disturbing. And, you know what, if the Elf on the Shelf could talk, I think he’d have {Read More}

A Modern-Day Lesson From St. Nick


It’s the holiday season, with lights all aglow We can feel it in every person we know.   With our spirits up but our energy spent We picked out a restaurant and off we went.   I couldn’t believe as we walked right on through, St. Nicholas, himself, was seated there, too.   No fancy red suit or his famous reindeer But we knew it was him, as he sat oh-so-near.   We whispered and pointed though we tried not to {Read More}

Dear Boy Up the Street


Dear Boy Up the Street, I always hoped we’d find you–that friend who lives close to my boys and becomes an extended part of the family. When we first moved in, there were only old people on our street, and I thought my dream of my boys having this neighborhood buddy was all but squashed. Then you and your family moved in, and it changed everything. You go to my boys’ school, which is all the more fantastic. And, while {Read More}

5 “Treats” To Avoid Handing Out This Halloween

Oh, hell no!

Halloween is just around the corner and, while it’s really for the kids, adults can enjoy this raucous holiday, too. You throw your kids in a stroller and your favorite spiked beverage in a coffee cup and mill about the neighborhood breathing in the crisp, fall air. Let’s face it, though—one bum treat as you make the rounds and it can really put a damper on the festivities. Not all Halloween candy is created equal, and we’ve shared 5 categories {Read More}

It’s In the Gaps

Declan dogs

Like the rest of America, I love the stuffing out of Amy Schumer and, thus, was not surprised that I loved the masterpiece that was Trainwreck. When a movie is that funny yet also strikes such a chord with audiences everywhere, it’s truly magical. I cried quite a bit in that movie, which is no big shocker to anyone who knows me, but one of the tear-inducing scenes might be a bit of a surprise. I cried during one of the final {Read More}

30 Facebook Buttons We’d Rather See Than “Dislike”

Facebook dislike

Much ado was made yesterday about the possibility of a “Dislike” button popping up on Facebook. I can tell you that many of us wish so-oo-oo-oo many other buttons would be given priority. I’ve shared 30 ideas we’d all prefer to see on Facebook more than the “dislike” button below: 1. Shut your piehole already. 2. Oh, the humblebrag again? Yawn. 3. Your food looks disgusting. 4. That’s amazeballs (NOT). 5. Stop saying “amazeballs” 6. Your mom 7. The Internet called to say, “SHUT THE {Read More}

10 Parenting Mistakes We’ve All Made

  Parenting is daunting. The most daunting thing about it is that you can prepare like you’re taking the freaking medical board exams and life will still throw you shit at you like that monkey with the weird ass at the zoo. YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES. We all do. My mom always talks about the time she forgot to strap my brother in on the changing table. He rolled off onto the floor and, instead of picking him up, {Read More}

10 Things That Could Go Wrong If Target Serves Alcohol

kristen wiig gif

Unless you’ve been caught under the shadow of Trump’s combover, you’ve likely heard that a Chicago Target store may soon be serving alcohol on site (and others may follow). Now, I luvz me some booze and I luvz me some Tarjay but something about this screams disaster for those of us mothers who look to this store as a refuge from our daily grind. Serving alcohol at Target could end badly for us…very, very badly, and here are 10 reasons why: {Read More}

F*ck You, Tiny House Movement

bestie row

You guys have heard about the Tiny House movement, right? A wave of people have decided to shun the “big life,” including their McMansions, and spend their money on travel and other things instead. I love the idea, don’t you? And there are shows and articles about these people. The exterior of the houses often look like this: Totes adorbs, right? I mean, I like tiny things. Look at this lizard I just caught in our yard today: Don’tcha just {Read More}

The 8 Asshole Stages of Insomnia

squirrel meme

Because I fell asleep while watching The Bachelorette last night (there’s a first time for everything), and then woke up later with terrible insomnia, I decided to share the stages of insomnia I tend to go through, as I have a feeling they are pretty universal: Denial Much like the first stage of the grieving process, this is the first stage of my insomnia. I get up to go to the bathroom and it hits me that I’m not falling {Read More}