Celebrities: They’re Nothing Like Us (The Story of a Mom Purse)

Don’t you just love those “Stars: They’re Just Like Us” photos in the trashy mags? Look! They push their own shopping carts!  They EAT…food! They play with their kids! BFD. Let me just tell you, they’re nothing like us. This is especially true when a magazine does a feature on a celebrity and asks, “What’s in your purse right now?”  Then they show said images and it’s always like the iPhone (5, of course) complete with hipster songs, a tube of Bobbie Brown lipstick, designer shades, and a stick of sugarfree gum.  Really, bitchface?  Really?  I’m sorry, but this person can’t possibly be a mom, or she is absolutely lying.  There’s no diaper with goldfish crumbs stuck to it?  No tampon that’s come out of its wrapper that you haven’t had a chance to throw away yet?  No sippy cup with curdled milk or old toy from a McDonald’s Happy Meal?  Girlfriend, you need to get reeeeeeeal.

Of course, all my longtime friends will tell you that I’ve always kept a terrible purse, even pre-kids.  I inherited this trait from my mother, who always had a mint handy, but you had to pick off a hair, some lint, and a penny from it in order to eat it.  And then you really didn’t want that shit in your mouth.  But I will go ahead and inventory my purse for you just so you get an idea of what a REAL MOM PURSE looks like, as it can usually entertain a party of 10, feed a party of 30, and clothe at the very least your immediate family.

INVENTORY:

one diaper, that appears to be inside out.

juice box

one wallet (a proud recent purchase, actually, as before all my credit cards were in there willy nilly)

oh sorry, make that two diapers

checkbook

one kid book

one phone

phone earphones, mysteriously not attached to phone

spf

hand spray

pair of socks from when we went bowling last week (for reals, yo)

one car

one pill bottle of old antibiotics

one box of raisins

several crusty gummy bears and worms from airplane ride 1.5 months ago

wipes

photo book

two boxes of yogurt raisins (not to be confused with the one box of “regular” raisins)

one tractor

one snack sized bag of cheez-its

one headband

one mini monster car

several bags of chewies

one mini monster car

several receipts (can’t throw that shit away, folks)

one cut-out of exercises from Self Magazine (yet to be done)

That’s not even including the outside pockets, which are filled to the brim.  Come on, I know this may be the extreme case of kid-shit hoarding by a mom, but the next time you read those “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us” segments, you can giggle.  As we know the truth, y’all.  We know the truth.

purse

Contents of this “mom purse” have not been altered in any way.

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Comments

  1. KELLI AKA GRABEN says:

    Great & oh so true. I literally wanted to buy my sis in law a Barbie kitchen sink for her purse because she has everything BUT in her purse currently. Tried to carry a smaller purse to avoid this but then it just means I can’t snap and/or zipper the purse cuz there is so much sheeot in there.

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