Coupon Whore: A Story of the Kidsville Discount

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What would I do for a Klondike bar? Eh, not much, really. But if you tell me you’ll knock a couple bucks off the full price of pretty much anything, I’ll kiss you full on the mouth. With tongue. Just ask the guy who sold me my tires. It’s something I’ve come to realize about myself, especially since I’ve had kids and no full time job. I’m a coupon whore. A savings slut. A deal floozy. I admit it, I don’t like to pay full price…for anything. I wish this meant I was good with money, but that’s not the case at all. I usually take my savings and spend it on something absolutely ridonkulous. What can I say? It’s a sickness. I subscribe to every deal site on the market, and my buns tingle every time a good one comes through online. I begin to perspire as I imagine going out to dinner for — wait for it — half off! So when Kidsville, a neighborhood play joint, offered to give $5 off with a positive Yelp review, I put my morals aside and wrote this:

Kidsville — 5 Stars

Looking for a place to let your kids  enjoy some wild rumpus? Look no further than this top-notch establishment. It’s filled to the brim with child play things, slides, and make-believe lands, complete with costumes. And they let you bring outside food. Outside food! We love to stop by Boston Market on the way. I eat and relax as the kids frolic and play until they can play no more. They meet other like-minded little fellows who love to share. There’s no free Wi-Fi but who needs to know what the outside world is doing when you’re at Kidsville?

Hundreds and hundreds of kids can be seen as far as the eye can see. It’s unimaginable! I’m so glad they don’t seem to have any person limit, as I say the more the merrier, ya know? And the moms are just my type — following their kids around like giant helicopters — hovering, hovering…always hovering. They seem so unhappy, but I must be imagining this, as no one is unhappy at Kidsville. No one! Forget Disney — THIS is the happiest place on earth. We can’t get enough of this joint. I wish I could go every day and, of course, so do my kids!

I handed the checker the Yelp review and smiled as she took my five bones off the bill. Boom goes the full price! Savings in your face, lady! I sneered at the mom behind me who hadn’t thought to be so shrewd. As we shed our shoes, donned our socks, bathed ourselves in hand sanitizer, and entered, it hit me. I had sunk to a new low. If I was being even remotely truthful, this would have been the actual review:

Kidsville 1.5 Stars (.5 Stars for the outside food)

Blergh. My kids love this place. Kids are everywhere! This can’t be a safe limit. What is the fucking limit, anyway? I’d say that if your kid is sliding down the slide with six other kids at the same time, you may have slightly overdone it. And what is with that slide anyway? Everyone who comes down it sounds like they’re carrying a sack of potatoes, and is there no way to go down it other than at light speed? What do you put on there, Crisco? Don’t get me started on the dusty costumes that I’m sure are covered in germs and scabies. I’m sure you wash them at a strict rate of at least once per year. It makes eating my outside food so appealing…NOT! I’m usually scarfing down my turkey carver sandwich as I watch my kids wander aimlessly after those who have struck it rich with a plasma car. I’m sure you only provide five plasma cars to make it a challenge, right? I mean, at the amount of kids you allow in, that’s like .0000002% of kids who get to have a plasma car. Way to spirit a little competition! That’s okay — at least they can play with all the other garage sale toys you have there. It’s probably those that gave us our recent and lovely parting gift, the stomach flu via both ends. The gift that keeps on giving.

And no free Wi-Fi!? What do you expect us to do, watch our kids? That’s why I we go there! It’s passive parenting at its best, and you’ve even taken that way from me. I do owe you a debt of gratitude in one regard, though. I’ve been looking for a form of birth control that doesn’t put me into a hormonal rage and, one visit to your establishment, and I’m cured. I’ll never have sex again. You can never be too sure.

Thank you, Kidsville.

 

 

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