Facebook Down. I Repeat, Facebook Down.


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I think I’m having some sort of Facebook-induced nervous breakdown. Facebook Down. Facebreakdown. Any which way you look at it, the number one social media site is sending me into overdrive, causing me to spend many nights rocking back and forth like a rhesus monkey.

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Folks, it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit antidepressants. Every day, I seem to be reminded of the shit sandwich friends and complete strangers are being forced to eat and, although it’s making me nearly psychotic to keep reading, I do. I will. I must. It’s a compulsion.

In no particular order, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve wanted to:

Save the whales

Save the circus elephants

Keep deadbeat shit-for-brain dads from sucking so hard

Stop Kim Kardashian from wearing fur (and breathing…just stop)

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Help me, Yeezus!

Kick America’s ass for caring about Kim Kardashian

Adopt 12 dogs, 6 cats, and a couple of teacup pigs

Fix the Obamacare website

Get more Facebook followers

Keep DJ Pauly D from procreating…again

Stop animal testing.

Save Miley Cyrus

Eat cleaner

Punch those who advise others on eating cleaner

Write a book

Write a song

Seriously, this list could go on forever. Guys, it’s exhausting. Not to mention, every time I go to post a status update, I get this near paralyzing fear that I’m going to come off sounding like a total douche. “Is this a humble brag?” “Am I being passive aggressive?” “Have I posted too many kid photos this week?” “What if Facebook takes my kid’s butt cheeks and tries to use them to sell sex slaves?” “Do people really want to see this photo of my feet?” (That’s not true, as the answer to that one is always “hell no.”)

I’m in serious need of a digital detox soon. But I need it for work. No, I don’t need it for work. I’ve gotta spread news about my blog. Nah, I don’t need it need it. I’m NOT addicted. I could give it up any time I want. But how will the baby seals stop being clubbed if I don’t sign that petition?

Life in my head is fucking nuts.

Will Ferrell gif


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