F*ck You, Tiny House Movement

You guys have heard about the Tiny House movement, right? A wave of people have decided to shun the “big life,” including their McMansions, and spend their money on travel and other things instead. I love the idea, don’t you? And there are shows and articles about these people. The exterior of the houses often look like this:

tiny house

Totes adorbs, right? I mean, I like tiny things. Look at this lizard I just caught in our yard today:

baby lizard copy

Don’tcha just want to squish him? Well, not squish him but you know what I mean. Tiny things are just so CUTE. I’ve often wished I were tinier. Tiny dogs are ridonkulous. Look at my son’s tiny toes in this pic? I mean, come on! So when I heard about this tiny house thing, I became obsessed.

And the insides are always super stylish and often look like this:

tiny house interior

A place for everything and everything in its place.

F*CK THAT!

Honestly, the thought hit me hardest over the school year when I came home with 12 pounds of paper from their cubbies. Way to green, schools. NOT! Where do these tiny house residents put all their stuff? When they’re making their beds, do they have dogs who insist on doing this:

fred on pillows

Every. Damn. Time.

And what about kids? Do they have kids and do their kids’ desks look like this:

finn desk

I mean, really–we need a tiny house just for our pens.

We have a room for our lizards. Okay, okay, it’s the guest room. But it’s also where we house our lizards:

lizards in guest room

Would we have to get rid of these guys if we lived in a tiny house?

And what about the laundry room? I mean, no matter how many times we organize the laundry room, it always ends up like this:

laundry room

Do they have tiny laundry soap and tiny stain remover for their tiny houses? We have a LOT of stained clothes in our house.

What do you do with all your shoes, tiny house people? Are you some sort of gahdamned wizards? Where do you put the 50 bathroom cleaners under your sink? And all your makeup? And your…your…your things?

When I was young, I was obsessed with tree houses. I wanted one so badly, and my obsession carried over into adulthood. My husband and I watch ALL THE SHOWS about tree houses on TV. Yes, there are more than one. So when we bought our home and it had the cutest little tiny home in the back for the kiddos, I knew this was OUR HOUSE. I mean, it was just so cute! I told my husband we could have a Haitian family stay with us after the earthquake. No joke.

This is what it looks like right now. And I feel the need to point out that this photo (actually, none of these photos) were staged:

playhouse

That thing that’s on its face is one of those Home Depot workshop toys. I mean, WTF?! What happened? So many big, BIG ideas for this tiny home in our backyard. I’m utterly defeated.

Then I read this article about this group of BFFs who built a bunch of tiny homes on a street in Austin so they could all hang together? They call it “Bestie Row”:

bestie row

What a great freaking idea! Here’s the problem. My friends and I like to drink LOTS and LOTS of wine. Could we have one tiny house just told ALL THE WINE? For realz, yo.

In conclusion, I’ve decided these people have sold their uncluttered souls to the devil. It’s the only logical conclusion, right? What say you?

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