#FirstWorldProblems (Parenting Edition)

I’ve mentioned this before but I have always been a ball of anxiety. Even when I was little, I agonized over every little thing. Adulthood is fraught with stress and, once you add kids to the mix, well — there goes the neighborhood. But I’ve begun to try and break down the things that I’ve been stressing over and, more and more, I’ve begun to realize how ridonkulous many of them are. In fact, if my issues were a Twitter thread, they would read: #firstworldproblems.

I decided to share some of them with you for a laugh. Hey — if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’re Rush Limbaugh. And Rush Limbaugh is the devil. Hence, you are the devil. And you don’t want to be the devil. So laugh at yourself. BOOM! You’ve just been schooled with logic, yo! In no particular order, below are some of the “worries” that have recently popped into my head:

1. I really want a piglet. But I’d definitely have to give up bacon. And I could never, EVER feed the little guy bacon because that’s just sick. But my dogs eat chicken. Is that weird? Maybe my dogs should be vegetarian. Must google “vegetarian diet for dogs” and see what I can find.

2. I watched CNN’s documentary Blackfish this weekend on the horrors of the world of Sea World’s orcas. Okay, I made it through half when I began to do the silent ugly cry/shoulder heave thing that makes my husband really uncomfortable. Now my kids will not be able to go to Sea World. What if they get invited to a party at Sea World and I have to stage a mommy sit-in? Will my kids be emotionally scarred? Good Lord, someone help me!

3. I’m thinking of fostering a pug on top of the two pugs I own. My biggest worry? Where will she sleep? We already have two stinky, hairy beasts in bed with us. Will third pug be okay with sleeping on the floor while two entitled pugs sleep in the coziness of our bed? Will I have to give in and sleep with three hairy, stinky beasts? I will have to change my sheets on a daily basis. The horror!

4. My kids want to go to Legoland this weekend. And I hate it there so much. Why do they not sell booze there? What is this — prison!? Must look into starting a petition on Change.org.

5. I have been volunteering in the classroom of my older son’s class but not in my younger son’s class. Will younger son know this and develop boulder size chip on his shoulder that festers over the years until the boulder develops into a monkey on his back that he will always trace back to his mom not volunteering in his preschool and then hate me and go to years of therapy because of me?

6. Yay, we’re going to Disney next week for the MIL’s 70th birthday! Good times to be had! But we haven’t told the school yet. I have urged husband to do so as I have somehow convinced myself we will either be kicked out of school or be seen as that entitled family who just pulls their kids out of school for fun and frolicking. I will be branded the bitch mom and have to bear a “B” sticker on my car where the school sticker is on everyone’s else’s cars. I feel sick.

7. Oh shit, I just read this thing about Lotus births on the interwebs where moms are letting their babies’ umbilical cords fall off on their own or they chew it off like a fucking animal. It helps with bonding. Will my kid be forever scarred because we cut his off at the hospital like some sort of medieval torture? Maybe I will have to rock them on my lap for two hours every day after school, but how do I find the time for that?

8. I have been using a lot of profanity on my blog. My mom and dad hate that. Am I isolating readers because of it? But what if I stop using the curse words and stifle them inside me and one day I blow up and all the swear words come out of me like a piñata? Fuck.

Simpsons gif

9. I recently went into a blind rage when my younger son was misbehaving. I told him that if he didn’t get in bed for his nap I’d take away his bigwheel. He wouldn’t get in bed. I walked to get the bigwheel. He wouldn’t get in bed. I yelled, “I’m not kidding! I’m taking this  bigwheel away!” He wouldn’t get in bed. I carried the bigwheel in to show him I wasn’t effing around. He wouldn’t get in bed. I put the bigwheel over my head and threw it into the garage while various pieces of it flew off and hit the floor. He got in bed. Sweet nightmares! I might need to dig out those old parenting books I bought when I was pregnant.

10. The Christmas card self-loathing period has begun. I haven’t scheduled a session with a photographer or downloaded any photos off my phone since Bush was in office. I was born without an ounce of creativity and my time spent on Pinterest has reinforced my belief that I am the living, breathing antithesis of Martha Stewart. Maybe I’ll go with the New Years card again so as not to be in the Christmas pile with The Perfects. Everyone knows this family, as their card makes you feel like yours looks like this:

(Photo from outonawimb.com)

awkward family xmas pic

Leaf us alone — this is how we roll!

 

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Comments

  1. Michael Noble says:

    Holy Crap! You’re a freak … !!!

    If I thought as many things as you do (or as any woman does) my head would explode! I once read where a woman’s mind is like a computer with 2,475 windows opened … 24 … HOURS … A … DAY … !!! No wonder you guys are obsessive and freakish and need to multi-task all the time. Why can’t you be more like men? We get stuff done … just a little more slowly … sometimes more efficiently. And we get sleep, too – we don’t stay up worrying about crap we can’t control or do anything about.

    Here … I’m going to try and help you a little bit. It won’t be too painful … promise. You may even smile some.

    The pig thing? Can’t help you there. Of course you can still eat bacon. Stop wrapping your head in knots about it. View this video – it will assist (but don’t watch it until you’re done reading what I have to say):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDpyS2HN5SA

    Legoland: This is an easy fix. It’s call “flask.” Buy one. Use it. Often. Saved your damned sanity.

    Cussing? I’m a big believer in there’s no such thing as a bad word. Just inappropriate times to use such words. So cuss away. Just be selective about it. If you use epithets 12 or 2,400 times in a blog posting? They’re just not effective. Use them sparingly and they bring out that much more shock and awe and (sometimes) awesomeness in your writing.

    Now go watch that video … you freak …

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