Five Ridonkulous Thanksgiving Tips

funny ecard Thanksgiving

Word.

If I hear one more TV segment on “how to stay trim during the holidays” or “tips on avoiding overeating at Thanksgiving,” I’m going to go all Charlie-Sheen-in-a-hotel-suite-with-coke-and-hookers. I’ll tell you how to stay trim during the holidays — get the fucking stomach flu. My family did it and everyone’s at their fighting weight. Let’s get real, people — it’s one day a year. One day! Can’t we all agree to just gorge ourselves until our pants burst and our toilets overflow like the Americans we are? We’re giving thanks, after all! Now if I see you putting butter on your pop tart on Black Friday (I’m talking to you, Jessica Simpson) I’ll kick you in your doughy shins and stomp on your cankles. But it’s one day, so let’s calm the fuck down.

Here are the five tips I seem to hear most often, and my reply:

Tip #1: Load up on veggies and/or a salad

My Reaction: Veggies and a salad? Who serves this nonsense on Thanksgiving? If I see it on our table it had better be for decoration, that’s all I’m saying. I’ve lived through 39 Thanksgivings thus far, and have never even seen a salad on Turkey Day, unless it’s that weird jello/marshmallow “salad” that my grandma used to serve. And veggies? The closest we’ve gotten is a sweet potato, and those are usually served in a casserole with something crunchy on top that’s oozing butter like a boss.

Tip #2: Bring your own

My Reaction: If you bring your own healthy shit to MY house on Thanksgiving, I’ll kick your ass to the curb faster than you can say mashed potatoes. Should you dare to actually bag up your fucking carrot sticks and hummus and carry it along, you’d better have the common courtesy to eat that shit crouching over the toilet like a meth addict at an NA Meeting. If my family sees you, we WILL point and laugh before kicking your malnourished ass.

Tip #3: Know your serving size

My Reaction: HA HA HA! I laugh in your face, serving size! Have you ever measured out a typical serving size of, say, cereal? Even a rat would spit on that sparse amount of food. Thanksgiving is about nothing in moderation, and everything in excess, ok? Live it, learn it, love it. When you get up to that buffet table, you treat it like the little bitch that it is, picking one or two of everything, and then you mix it together so the corners are touching. Mashed potatoes should touch each and every food at all times and gravy should cling to everything like a stripper to a dollar bill. Let’s make it rain up in here! And go back for seconds. Don’t be a pussy!

Tip #4: Drink “smart”

My Reaction: This one’s easy — just act like it’s opposite day, as it’s time to drink until you’re stupid. When you see the bar (and there had better be one or you’re at the wrong house) you’d better be thinking to yourself “It’s on like Donkey Kong” and not “I wonder if they have seltzer water.” Shun the mixers and drink that shit straight up while you laugh at those drinking their pansy-ass spritzers. It’s Thanksgiving, so there’s likely to be family drama. Everyone knows that the best way to deal with this kind of stress is to drink heavily. Duh. If you have one of those tea-totaler families, bring a flask. It’s just good sense.

Tip #5: Wear restrictive clothing — ie) a belt

My Reaction: Seriously, who comes up with this shit? Everyone knows that, at Thanksgiving, you do one of two things — proactively have your pants taken out or you wear stretchy yoga pants. Zubaz work well too, but only if you want to make a bold fashion statement. Others might not appreciate you showing them up like you’re all high and mighty and shit. Tight clothing is for Vegas! If you forget the golden rule, you can always unbutton and let things breathe. The amount of gas coming from your bodily¬†orifices¬†should be in direct proportion to how much you ate so, if you did your job, everyone should be giving each other fair farting distance while engaging in the mandatory Thanksgiving nap.

Zubaz pants

stylish AND comfortable

It’s one day, folks. Go forth and indulge. Go forth and overindulge.

 

 

 

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