Food, According to Kids

Gee, Doc, I'm not sure how that noodle got there...

Gee, Doc, I’m not sure how that noodle got there…

You might have seen the story recently about the school in which teachers dared to throw away the food items they deemed “unhealthy”. “Oh, HELLLLLL NO,” many of us exclaimed while sitting at our computers in our pajama pants (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Do these people even know the daily struggle we go through to pack things that our kids will even eat? Do they!? THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. For those who don’t understand, here is a guide of food according to kids:

Grilled Cheese – You are one of my favorite foods! But if you have any brown on you at all. Like ANY at all, you’re OUT. Also, if the cheese dares to hang out of the bread like 1/448 of an inch, you’re dead to me.

Goldfish – Yes, I know there is more taste in the bottom of my shoes but I love them and I don’t know why. Stop questioning. More buying of the things. In bulk, please.

Chicken Fingers – Oh, how I love thee! I’ve ordered you at restaurants across the U.S.! I’ve basically been on one long chicken fingers eating tour. However, listen up, chicken fingers. If you look too healthy, I’ll pass. There has to be enough breading to ensure fried unhealthiness, and I also prefer that you come in unnatural shapes, like dinosaurs or letters. It’s called education. Duh.

Bananas – You are one of the only fruits I like! Well, sort of. On Tuesdays and alternating Fridays. And then not for a month. But then I want you all the time the next month. But never, and I mean NEVER, will I eat you with those stringy things on there. Buying them at Costco will risk insanity as they will surely ripen all at once and not be the ripe that I like. My mom’s nemesis is bananas.

Cheetos – STAHP. Seriously, STAHP. Stahp giving me anything else but these amazingly tasty things that turn my entire body orange. “No more,” Mom says. “Pry them from my cold, dead, orange-covered body,” I reply. And they’re healthy, anyway, because they’re made of cheese. It’s, like, science.

Quesadillas – See grilled cheese. And put that whole-wheat tortilla away before I lose my ever-loving mind.

Pasta – No nutritional value, you say? Especially only when slathered in butter, you say? BRING THAT SH*T ON. Hold the parm, please. If I wanted grated paper on my food, I’d eat coconut (LOLLLLL! Never!).

Hot dogs – Yep, I love ‘em. All of us kids do. And don’t try to fool us with those tofu-dogs either, as we know when we don’t get our full serving of lips ‘n’ assholes.

Mac ‘n’ Cheese – Food sent straight from heaven, y’all. Again, though, please refrain from getting fancy on us. One word: KRAFT. That’s it. Fuck Annie’s organic B.S. and do not—under any circumstances—get us that fancy bread crumb-covered gruyere shit from a restaurant. Did we mention KRAFT?

Avocados – I used to eat you as a baby but now you’re just so…so…so green. And mushy. And healthy. Ewww. And when I find out guacamole is made of you I’ll probably stop eating that, too, but luckily Mom has kept that a secret from me.

Sloppy Joe’s – More like Sloppy Get the Hell Out of My Face and Never Come Back

Tomatoes – Are you trying to kill me? Those balls are sent straight from the devil, himself. Ketchup, though? Slather that on with impunity. Get in mah belly, ketchup! And screw your slightly healthier friend, mustard, as that stuff is just ridiculous.

Rice – See pasta. Just substitute butter with a heart attack-inducing serving of soy sauce.

Watermelon – Yum, I love this fruit, especially in summer! But Mom had better clear her calendar, as I expect all of the seeds to be banished to “NeverAgainLand” post haste. And not just the brown ones either but also those itty-bitty white ones that you’ll need your Seeing Eye spectacles to find.

Apples – Yep, I love these, too! See, Mom, I am healthy! But get out that peeler, k, because that outer layer is trying to kill me. I know, I know, that’s where most of the nutrients are but it’s just so … hard. And make sure you cut out the middle. Time it perfectly right, too, as if the apple gets even a hint of brown, I will throw a Target checkout line-level fit.

Yogurt – Ahhh, yes, yogurt. You’ve confounded all of us kids so. At parties, we get to have “Gogurts” and yogurts with M&Ms on them. Yes, more of this! In our lunches, though, when Moms know our teachers are keeping that watchful eye, they give us this tasteless Greek bullshit that is the texture of silly puddy. What gives? More candy yogurt, please.

Pizza – Yay, pizza! Who doesn’t love pizza?! Oh yeah, all of us kids. We know it’s weird and we can’t explain it, but we really don’t like it, and that makes our moms think about returning us from whence we came. Because, well, pizza. If we do eat it, it’s only cheese, and we might make you actually take the cheese off of it and there had better be the perfect amount of cheese on there or we’ll cry big buckets. And, yes, we love pepperoni but if you even get that shit near our pizza we will cut you.

Lasagna – Are you even kidding me with this? Put this in front of me again, Mom, and I’ll tell everyone just how much wine you really do drink at night. Just try me.

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